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Biography

History

Always a bit of a loner, dorky (not smart enough to be a nerd or a geek), no close relationships, never understood men, or women to be honest, you human beings are weird, never felt entirely male, never got things like sport and the whole tribal laddish thing. Had been experimenting with dressing since childhood, stealing mothers underwear etc. After university in my 20’s I started buying and wearing odd bits of lingerie, fetishy bits of PVC, joke shop wigs and boobs, no makeup or footwear, definitely never going out, completed closeted. Was living at home this time working for a local software house as a programmer. Purged my small stash of stuff a couple of times. It wasn’t a regular thing, had this urge every few months that’s all.

Moved to London about 10 years ago, urges continued, but again only every few months, in the mean time was a fat hairy IT person at a women’s clothing retailer. Urges continued bought a few more clothes, tried “that shop in Euston” makeover thingy a couple of times but was never impressed by the results. Working for a clothing retailer with 85% female staff in an office full of clothes was I realised was a bit like dressing in proxy, so I was satisfied mostly just by going to work. Problem was it wasn’t a very successfully retailer, it gradually went down hill over the years and the UK arm was eventually sold off and asset stripped in July 2005. Yours truly was made redundant and had to find a new job, and got one in a more traditional 95% besuited male IT department for a big company in October 2005.

During a phase I can only put down to partly to a mid life crisis, repressed feelings, loneliness and missing femininity in my life, something went pop in May 2006 and I just had to dress (regularly) and do it properly, in normal clothes with footwear and full makeup etc, so this is really when Helena came about Went shopping, a lot, got a makeup lesson at a more respected makeover service, lost lots weight and stared making up dressing every week, Originally I decide I was called Helen Love, named after a band I like and a girl at my secondary school, but after a better than average makeup job and few to many drinks one night, an extra “a” got added to the name as I was feeling far to gorgeous for mere Helen. This proves drink is bad for you.

This carried on through spring and summer of 2006. Was still only dressing in my flat at this time, just for a few hours in the evening at the weekend but was getting more confident about my looks as I got better clothes, lost the weight and got better with the slap, plus I was lurking a lot on a number of TG sites such as UK Angles and Roses reading everything. But this wasn’t enough, I wanted to go out, had been thinking about it, umm and erring a lot, was really terrified but in August 2006 I think, an interview in the newspaper I was reading on the train on my way home from work finally gave me the push. Eddie Izzard was being interviewed as part of the promotional work for the film “My super ex-girlfriend” and the subject of his transvestism came up and he said something like “real trannies go to the shop to buy a Mars bar”. I understand it as an analogy, about going out in the real world doing normal things, but there and then I decided that on Saturday night I was going to go out to a shop and buy a Mars bar dressed. And I did, dressed inappropriately in a short skirt and heels I could barely walk on, looking like an ugly bloke with bad makeup, I did a 5 minute hobble to a local off license after dark, and bought that Mars Bar and some beer (to calm my nerves afterwards). I was absolutely terrified and shaking, nearly wet myself. But nothing bad happened, the bloke in the shop wasn’t exactly friendly but he served me politely enough, I got home in one piece and sank the beer very quickly. But I had done it and the world didn’t end. So 2 weeks later I did it again, this time in better shoes, but still vary scared, but after making my purchase, on the way back to my flat, I actually lifted my head and smiled to myself, I realised actually enjoyed it and it felt good to be out in the world, as yourself doing normal things as yourself. So I’ve been going out ever since. A chance encounter with an “admirer” taught me not to walk down dark street at night, especially in a short skirt, he only propositioned me, but that was enough to scare the wits out of me.

Started getting active online about this time too and taking photo’s. Later on I started going out in day time, very early mornings, to local coffee shops etc building up confidence. In December 2006 I made my rather shaky debut on the Tranny scene, with an escorted trip to Trans-mission and the Wayout club with a dressing service and although I was a total wallflower all night and the verbal abuse from a bloke we got in a restaurant beforehand, it didn’t actually put me off for good and I’ve hit the Wayout and Trans-mission a number of times since (and intend to look further a field), even discovering I actually like dancing when dressed.

Started using the bus and the tube and going out for extended periods in day light in January, ending up me spending the whole day out in late February 2007, where my journal (and later this blog) takes over. Am still going out, shopping, clubbing, wandering around, just being me, and will be doing so for the foreseeable future, Not sure why, it just that it makes me feel good, and somewhat more whole. It has also made me loose a lot of weight, get fitter, improve my self confidence and even meet new and interesting people, result

Present and Future

I actually getting quite comfortable with this TG stuff, being a bit bit gender blurred seems to suit me and it does appear to improved my quality of life. I have no intention of transitioning, I appear to be a bit of both instead of one specific gender and so I intend to carry on with being female about one day a week, shop too much, keep going out, taking far too many photo’s and writing it all up in this blog. Other than that, I need a new job, my current one, although it pays well, it is boring the tits off me (luckily mine are detachable), I need to get on the property ladder, learn to drive and perhaps form relationships with human beings, get a life etc. The future is an undiscovered country …

_{(as a sad trekie  would say)}