There wasn’t an update last week, sorry, well I was feeling a little depressed and well this week there isn’t much to report either, but I thought I should make some effort. Saying that I do really intended to scale back the blogging and Flickr photo’s a bit, sorry, they have become a bit of a time hog, so I’m going to try and be a bit more concise and selective (er starting next week. Probably…).

So week before last, it was going to be a regular weekend, was Mothers day on Sunday, but Mum had arranged to come down to London the week after, wasn’t on call either so really had all the time to myself. But there didn’t seem to be much on, well in the evening, no wild club nights or anything, but the daytime had some promise. Clarissa had let me know about a book signing happening, Alistair Reynolds would be at Forbidden Planet at Lunch time Saturday. If you read modern hard science fiction (or are an astrophysicist) you will probably have heard of Alistair Reynolds (I have all his books), if you don’t then er you probably wont. Doesn’t mater, anyway he was an author both Clarissa and I liked, so we arranged to meet up at FP for the signing.

Up not to late Saturday morning, usual routine etc. Looks like a lot of the hair that I thought the laser had got rid of has grown back damm, so a bit more of a shave and more makeup was required. Had booked another laser for the following Friday mid week, hopefully that will do a little more damage. Clothes, black polo neck, mid calf length denim skirt, thigh black tights, grey leatherish jacket (bough in Tesco’s the night before, along with a bra, some food and a new television… you can get almost anything at Tescos), tan boots, big leg warmers and since it was a nerdy day out, my Battlestar Galactica Dog Tags as jewelry. Think the leg warmers where a mistake, they clashed a bit with everything else. Put big hair on, cause well, I dunno, felt like it, but its hard to control if its windy, so add a hat.

Photo, well a little arm extended shot then gather my stuff and get on the bus. Get off at Holborn to visit a cash machine and New Look, wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, but had an hour or so to kill. Carry on wandering down to and around Covent Garden, drifting in and out of shops, only thing I wanted to find was a particular green top from Zara, seems I’d bought the wrong one last time, but no can’t find it anywhere. As usually when I’m in this neck of the woods I stopped in H&M, hey there’s those PVC mini’s on sale again, and Oh, they have a 12 now? Would I be able to get in it? Well the skirt I was wearing at the time was a 12, but hat was a Primark 12 not a H&M 12, so , er,  dunno, but hey its on sale, might as well give it a go, bought. Tried it on at home, with some breathing in I got it on, fits nicely around the tush, very tight on the waist though, in fact it causes a pronounced muffin top, eewww. It’s gone in the pile of clothes that will have to wait until I loose some weight

Back to FP at one, no sign of Clarissa and there’s a queue building up for the signing. Loop around the shop a few times as I wait, but its not to long, there she is, Hi Clarissa. We queue up for the signing and chat, the guy in front of us has a huge bag he’s pushing it along the floor. When he gets to the end of the queue he opens it and produces every single one of Reynolds’s novels to get signed (yes I know I have them as well, but I didn’t bring them all to get signed). The author smiles and does them all.

My turn, er, deer in headlights, don’t quite know what to do, don’t have anything to say, its always like this, so just of meekly ask him to sign his latest, Terminal World, shuffle off to one side after. Mr Reynolds was perfectly polite about it all. Clarissa was a far more confident and swapped a few words.

This was about the third or forth book signing I’ve been to in Helena mode and its always the same. Oh well, I don’t really do talking to strangers, do I. Its well past lunch time by the time we have a books signed and paid for, Clarissa offers to pay, she says she owes me, hrm, not sure about that C… Anyway, where to go, so we sort of able out the shop and end up in a sort of bar restaurant nearby. Think it was just called The Shaftsbury. Anyway they have tables free and a smiley and helpful waitress, but the food is really sort of slight fancy and overpriced British pub grub, end up choosing the fish and chips. Fish was fine, but the chips were overdone and over salted, but not enough to put me off eating them. Clarissa points out I’m always complaining about my weight on my blog, but then go and eat meals like that. True, I’ll never loose weight stuffing my face with fish and chips. My only defence is it was a rather small portion. Anyway, many thanks for lunch Clarissa.

So what next, turns out neither of us have any real plans for the afternoon, shopping, well did all that last week, so er Cinema? There was a couple of films I wanted to see, a French film called MicMacs and the new Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland. Ok the French one was just a maybe, I really wanted to see Alice, in 3D as well, Clarissa seemed fine with the suggestion, so off we go to find somewhere its showing. We got to Tottenham Court Road Odeon (the nearest cinema), only to find it was ages till the next showing and it was in 2d here anyway So what next, lets consult the iPhone, a find a showing in Islington on in 20 minutes, nah we won’t make it in time, but ah Marble Arch in 25, bit of a push, but we can probably get there. Mobile 3G web browsing to the rescue, how did I ever survive without it?

Clarissa takes off down Oxford Street at a pace (actually C I was thinking about getting the tube or bus…), and I try and keep up (well I’m in tight skirt, my boots have heels and I’m old), the street is full of dawdling Saturday shoppers so a lot of dodging around is required. Well it burnt off some of those lunch time calories.

Spot numerous tall women on the way to Marble arch, some where even as tall as me and as far as I could tell, they where natal. Seeing tall women like sort of thing helps with the confidence a bit, maybe I don’t stand out that much after all. Actually as days go it seems I was doing OK, reactions had been limited to just a few little looks, no name calling, smirks or laughter I could detect and everyone I interacted with was perfectly polite

We get to the cinema with a few minutes to spare, there’s a bit of a queue at the ticket office, but the machine is free. C pays for the tickets, again she says she owes me, again I’m not so sure, but erm OK. Get the 3d glasses and head up to the sceen but first we have to pass a big security guy who is standing near signs saying no video cameras and compulsory bag searches. Oh er, I have big camera with me, now my particular one doesn’t actually have a video mode, but would security guy know that? But he just checks the tickets and waves us up the escalators.

I can’t still be hungry after that meal can I? Erm, as it turns out yes, get a medium mixed (half salt, half sugar, me really ;)) popcorn and a drink (that was diet cola, honest) . Medium popcorn is roughly dustbin sized and requires a small mortgage to purchase

The tickets have row and seat numbers on them, allocated seating bah, and it looks like we are right at the front. We find the row, but it’s so dark in the cinema we can’t see any numbers on the seats, so we just plonk ourselves down in some free seats. Nobody complains we are in their seat and actually even though we are near the front, the view isn’t bad.

The film is sort of an unofficial sequel to the book, with a teenage Alice returning to Wonderland. It’s good, not perfect, but still worth seeing, live action and computer animation is blended together nicely and the plot seems to bop along nicely, its not to far removed from the original, but has a few more modern sensibilities, plus the odd laugh or three. But the  Tim Burton/Jonny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter combo is erm slightly predictably unpredictable and quirky, one day I hope to see them do a conventional buddy cop movie or something, just to really shock us Tis 3D, and mostly this works quite well, though sometimes it’s a bit forced, I think they had a little too many chases through the woods to juts have branches and stuff loom towards us and sometimes the backgrounds look like layers of cardboard cuts outs, set at different depths, instead of being seamless. We try to match the voices to the animated characters during the credits.

Film over and back outside, still daylight, gosh, the nights are getting longer. Say goodbye to Clarissa at Marble Arch tube station, she’s heading home, so am I, but think I’ll take the bus (less walking involved). Lovely to meet you again C and thanks again for lunch and the film, cya soon.

Well I did want to get the bus home, but well since I’m in Oxford street I might as well check the other branches of Zara for that top. Neither has it That’s the thing with Zara, I can never find the clothes in the shop that they have on the mannequins’ in the window. Poor merchandising if you ask me (Or perhaps its just because I’m useless ;)) Spot a good sign.

By the time I’m at Oxford circus I could do with a pit stop, and well I wanted to dip into the new book. Little wander around the side streets and I find Vapiano, sure this used to be “Mash”, turns out to be an upmarket Pizza chain, but they have a bar, are fine with people just having a drink and it looks like there are seats, this will do. Unusually, you get a card on the way in, all your drinks and food get logged against it, then you settle up when you leave. Different.

Get a small glass of Rosé and find a comfy seat to start the book. Its good, getting into this, the first coupld of chapeters remind me a bit of the film Dark City. But I can’t stay here all night, best get on. Finish my wine and pop to the ladies for a pit stop. Face had gone a bit shiny and hair needed brushing.

Hand in my card and pay up. Outside, well might as well take a photo, just as a memento and I like their sign. Dig my big camera out the bag and take a snap. This is probably where I did something very stupid more on this later.

As I’m this far down Oxford street I might as well carry on to the end, so I can get the bus that will take me all the way home. Need some food and wine for the evening though, so where can I get that… Oh yeah that little Sainsbury on Charing cross road near the bus stop. Cept it isn’t there anymore, that row of shops has been closed (knocked down?) for the Crossrail work. Oh well, there’s the bus and I can get what I need (want) nearer home. So walked down and back the entire length of Oxford Street today in heels, that’s as good as going to the gym isn’t it?

Check facebook via the phone on the ride home, hey it turns out Kimberly was in West End today as well. Go and join her? No not tonight, bus is nearly home, I’ma bit tired and I actually now fancy a quiet night in with my new TV (television!) and a DVD. Sorry Kimberly another day.

Off the bus and into the local shop, bread, orange juice and a bottle of cheap plonk will do. Its about 5 quid (said it was cheap plonk), where’s my wallet, it must be in my bag somewhere. search, Search, SEARCH, panic, Panic, PANIC!!!!! NOOOOOO IT’S NOT THERE :( Apologise to the girl serving and go home empty handed. Empty the contents of the bag onto the bed when I get home, nope no sign of it. Sob I’ve gone and done it again, I’ve lost my wallet. Stupid cow.

So where did I have it last, the bar, Vapiano, that’s where. Phone them and ask if a wallet had been handed in. Nope, no wallet Thinking about it the only other time I opened my bag between there and the shop was to get my camera out to take a photo of the sign outside Vapiano, its must of fell out my bag while I was rummaging for my camera. If it just landed on the street then the chances of me getting back must be about nill bugger. Phone the bank to cancel my debit card, nobody had used it, phew. The wallet had about £75 quid in cash in it as I was expecting to pay for lunch and a film and shopping. That now must be gone for good.

Felt depressed and royally pissed off with my own stupidity for the rest of the evening. Don’t feel like eating or drinking now, have a big sulk then curl up with the new book until its time for bed.

Sunday, I find about 65 pence in change in the flat, that’s it and I can’t get anymore money till Monday when the bank opens. Need to do some washing and laundry, so in the end go and see my brother and borrow a little off him to cover the Laundrette and food till Monday.

So that’s it, a good weekend until about 7pm on Saturday, then misery this is probably why I didn’t feel like blogging it all on Monday, was all just too depressing.

Can write a cheque for cash in the bank on Monday to cover me for the week. It will do, but being without a debit card is weird, is like I’m missing a limb or something. Had to wait till Friday for a replacement.

On Tuesday I got an email at work. From a man I’ve never met who worked in the city. He had found my wallet and wanted to return it. Bloody hell, lighting has struck twice, I was surprised when I got my wallet back the first time, but twice, I was more than slightly flabbergasted. My wallet did have my work business card in it, and I guess that’s how he found my email. First real use I’ve ever had for my business card, normally I clean under my fingernails with them.

Work from home on Wednesday so I could pop to the city and pick up my wallet from the gentleman’s office. Was nervous about it all, and waited in his building’s reception for him to arrive a bit unsure of it all. Man comes out and says is there an Ian here? I stand up shake his hand and he gives me my wallet, in return I give him a couple of twenties for his trouble (he didn’t ask for a reward, but I felt like he deserved it).

The debit card was still in wallet (Pity I’d cancelled it) and so was the loose change, all that had gone was about £75 in notes. Going by his office, demeanour and willingness to return my wallet, I’m really don’t think he took the notes, no somebody else must of just took them from my wallet lying on the street. Serves me right really for being so careless. But its good to know there are still some honest people in London.

Note to self : Lightning will almost certainly not strike 3 times, YOU MUST BE MORE CAREFULL IN FUTURE.

Friday and I pick up the replacement debit card again, I’m a whole again Out of work on the dot and dash to get the train. Train is delayed a bit so I really didn’t have to dash. Then grab some chips at Euston and then its back north on the tube to High Barnet. Laser time again.

After the debacle at the first laser session, EMLA cream aesthetic was right out (though I’m told later its Ok to use here…), so for pain killers it was just going to be 2 Paracetmol/Codine tablets, comfort food (those chips earlier and some chocolate) and a couple of swift pints in a nearby pub. Well its better than nothing, even if it just relaxes me a bit then that should take a little of the sting out of the laser (in theory, or maybe its just that I like beer, chips and chocolate ;))

Rush my last pint to get to the clinic on time. There’s only one girl working there tonight, Laurie? Turns out her colleague had gone home sick and she was a bit over stretched, but I’m her last customer for the night. Up on the couch, on with the goggles, grit teeth, let’s get this over with. There’s burning smell after the first zap, which is a good sign. Laurie turns out to be really sweet and chatty, we make small talk, wow, me making small talk with an actual genetic female! she must be really friendly, that sort of distracts me from the laser’s pain, probably more than the pills, beer and food. Still around the chin and upper lips its rather unpleasant, but the pain goes away fast and the session seems quicker than last time. Off with the goggles and take a glance at the laser machine, it says 30 on it, that’s significantly more power than before. And it seems to have done some damage, Laurie shows me my face in a mirror, it’s rather red and there’s a lot of ejected hair, far more than before. Wow hope it stays out this time

Pay up and head off to the tube. I have the little post laser endorphin buzz going on, plus the night is cool and there’s a little light rain which actually feels quite nice on my still glowing face, so decide to walk to the next tube station instead of High Barnet. Tube stations are further apart out here in zone 6 aren’t they. End up walking for nearly an hour and a half in the rain before getting to Finchley East Station, another 2 stops down the line. Well I got a little lost (iPhone GPS to the rescue though) but the cool night air and gentle rain actually felt quite good on my face. The buzz was wearing off a bit by the time I got on the train though.

Off again at Archway, get wine and a snack at Sainsbury’s before getting the bus home. Was getting the odd “look” from passers by, unusual, as I was in Ian mode, but then again my face was still rather red, I had some carbonised hair and smelt a bit singed. Drink all the wine when I get home.

Saturday, but no Helena time this week. I tried shaving 2 and a half days after my 2nd laser session and that was a mistake, it was nasty, so no way am I shaving after just one night, I’m going to leave it a week to recover this time. So what to do? Well, I’d got an email from an Estate Agent during the week inviting me to a “Seminar” on a new development of flats in Islington, not far from where I live, they where part buy/part rent, affordable and reasonably well located, so might as well go along.

But that was at 2pm, so just did laundry and house hold chores in the morning. Finished those in plenty of time, so went to have another look at the area the flats where in, hrmm not bad, apart from one little detail, right in front of them was a large council tower block. Not exactly what you would call a view. Light would be poor and privacy might be a problem also. Puts a little doubt in my mind.

Still have a plenty of time before the seminar, so I pop to Dalston to grab a bite to eat and a look around the shops. It’s not nearly as fun in Ian mode, so don’t buy anything.

Back to the seminar, OMG there’s a lot of people, there must be 80 plus and there are only 15 flats available. And we can’t even see all of them, there’s only 1 one bed flat we can view (the others aren’t finished yet), so if we want to go ahead and try to purchase one it will be off plan. Anyway we get the sales pitch and the explanation of the part buy/part rent thing, then we get sent off in batches to see the show flat. I have to wait a little before it’s my turn, so help myself to their coffee and biscuits.

The show flat isn’t bad, not as small or dark as I feared, it’s not as good as the canal side one I saw, but it’s better than the one on commercial road. But I’m still not convinced 100% by it. In the end I decide what the hell and put down a reservation fee on a 2 bedroom place as I’ll only loose it if I proceeded with a sale then pull out before completion.

Reserving one, slightly cavalier perhaps, considering I wasn’t totally convinced I wanted to live there, but the availability of places like this in Islington are very rare and then the chance of me actually getting one is very slim (hey, at least I qualified to apply this time) I felt it was worth it. Chances of me getting one was slim because they are allocated on a points system (and 80+ people where applying) and I only had one point in my favour, being a resident of the borough. If you where say, a key worker living in a council flat in the borough with a family you would get about 10 points and the chance of you getting the flat far far higher. If I don’t get one allocated I get the money back, so no worries and I just have to keep looking. Maybe I should consider just going private and getting a mortgage instead, chances of me finding somewhere I really really want to live would be much higher.

Went home a little dejected, again, got a little wine (half bottle, need to control the drinking) and food from the supermarket and went home. Had another quiet evening in and finished the book.

Sunday, Mothers day. Sort of, real mothers day was last week, but Mum said she was coming down to London this week, so we put it off till then (I sent a card for the official day). My mother is a wildlife artist, but since wildlife is rather flighty and doesn’t generally sit around for you to paint them, she usually photographs them and works from the photo’s. She’d heard there was a group of Great Crested Grebe’s on the Serpentine in Hyde park, normally these birds are rather shy (they where almost hunted to extinction in the 19th century) but she had been told these bird in the park where a little more used to people and so easier to photograph and thus paint. So that’s what we did, mum and me walked around Hyde park with our longest lenses trying to get pictures of Great Crested Grebes, with my Dad in tow carrying stuff (Mum wanted me along as a 2nd shooter and to show her around the Serpentine). The birds themselves where rather illusive, mostly staying in the middle of the lake and often diving underwater, but I think we got a few good shots in the end. We missed a pair doing there mating dance though, was just that bit to slow with our cameras.

There’s quite a lot of wild birds on the Serpentine, so ducks, geese, swans and other waterfowl all got snapped along the way too. The ducks, coots and moorhens where pretty nonchalant, almost oblivious to the people, unless they had bread, but the geese and swans where total posers

An unusual, but actually rather fun way to spend mothers day I treated them both to lunch in the restaurant at the end of the lake, nice view, food was OK but mum seemed to like it.

Then it was back to my brother and sister in laws place, cake, kids, lego, nappies and me generally feeling like an outsider. Oh well, have to do family duty every now and then Was slightly worried they might notice my still slightly face, patchy facial hair and stuff (due to the laser) but nothing was mentioned. The post laser spots have started appearing too

So missed a Helena this weekend and the one previous was rather stunted, so the girl side is getting a little angsty at the moment, next weekend better be a full one. But as it happens, there might be some Mischief to be done…. 

If my spots heal up

Really needed some Helena time this weekend, what with the holiday and the hot water problems they’d been none for 2 and a half weeks. But I’m on call, which limits it a bit but I can get out on Saturday day time, maybe a bit in the evening which will have to do.

Checking the bank balance, I’m pleasantly surprised, more than I thought I had So lets do some shopping then I’d seen a few outfits I fancied during the week and I have some experimentation to do.

Experiments in cleavage specifically. I was going to give the moob taping thing another go, I’ve tried mircopore medical tape but I found it not to be strong enough and didn’t want to use duct tape, having heard a few horror stories about it taking skin off when you remove it. So what to use, well I’d heard you can use “Bondage Tape”, some thick PVC tape that apparently only sticks to itself, so it safe to tie people up with…. (if you are in to that sort of thing I suppose) Well If I can use that as a tight band across my chest, friction should hold the moobs together. Well its worth a try, and Ann Summers sells it, so should be easy to get.

My other train of though turned to prosthetics, I would, like to be able to show some boobage, not just a little faux cleavage in a low cut top, more like wearing a overbust corset Burlseque style no amount of tape will achieve that and surgical/hormonal option is not my path so what to do? There are a few prosthetic chests you can get from a few places, including Proactive, Boobs for queens or Babooms but these are rather expensive and the edges have hidden anyway under clothing.  But in a few movies actress (and actors…) have been given realistic large bosoms, with a prosthetic appliance made from silicone or foam latex. But this seems a rather long, complex, costly and messy process. It also requires a talented and trained special effects makeup artist. Looking for a cheaper/simpler option I’d recently seen some OK attempts at blending in glued on regular breast forms using liquid latex and makeup. This might be a possibility, won’t be exactly realistic or passable, but might work for a photo or two or a dressy uppy night in dark night club where everyone knows I’m a tranny. Any way it appears liquid latex isn’t that expensive and I do have a pair of forms on their last legs (have to use selotape to seal a few holes) that could be used for trials. Searching around I find Charles Fox, the theatrical makeup specialist, stocks liquid latex, in fact they carry quite a range of prosthetic makeup materials and books on the subject, so I think a visit to Covent Garden is in order.

So we have a shopping list Out of bed on Saturday, bathe/save/makeup etc. Takes an age to figure out an outfit, end up with a greeny/kakhi tee shirt, a tan leather jacket, black denim mini, black leggings (some rather old thin ones) and tan sort of cowboyish boots. Should be fashionable enough, but also comfortable and not to eye-catching. Was worried it might be a touch to thin though, the sun was shinning but it wasn’t a warm day. By the time I’m ready to get out its nearly 12! Oh well, all afternoon shopping should be enough. On the way out I spot the land lord in the back garden through the window, dam, if I move fast I can avoid him. I did. Only to run into the land lady pottering about in the front drive way. Dam. Not sure she really knows about Helena (might of seen her before), not sure if she would even recognise her as Ian. She says hello, unsurely, I sort of just duck my head and mumble something back and walk off quickly

Nerves slightly elevated, due to the encounter and cause its been a while. Walk towards the tube, the sunshine is nice so I take the long way around the park , but the wind is rather cold. Tube to Marble Arch and lets get shopping.

No shoes that grab me in Evans, but there’s a nice lacy bow/broach thing. Theres nothing essential in Dotty P, but catch my reflection in a mirror (how unusual:)) hrrm, not bad, improves the nerves a bit. Ann Summers next, have to go to the slightly embarrassing Toys/Outfits/Media down stairs section to get the tape I mentioned above.

New Look next, those boots (the thigh length ones) I mentioned a few posts ago have been reduced to £20 (looks like they went a little to far for the high street’s taste) and it does appear they go to 9, so I though I would try and get a pair. Quite a lot in stock, but no 9’s, no 8’s even. Look around, seems to be a few spring trends emerging, sort of nautical thing with navy blue, white, red and stripes, a military look with kaki green and jackets with epaulets and cavalry uniform buttons etc and a sort of peach/black lacy thing going on. Like 2 out of 3, nautical fashions should only be worn by people who own boats IMHO.

Was going to pop over to Primark now, but the street is closed. There’s a march going on. It’s a protest march, the million woman march I think, linked to Internaional Women’s day. Thats fine, but I get a little paranoid at this point, if any of the marchers are of the Julie Blindel school of feminism then I might not be very popular. Decide not to cause offsense and duck into Next until the march passes.

Over the road to Primark, just really for a look see, end up having a bit of a trawl. A few bits of sensible underwear and hosiery (OK the seamed stockings where not that sensible), a peach lace top (that trend I mentioned above), a grey shirt dress and a pair of outrageous black hot pants made of the same black shinny material wet look leggings are made of. Well they where only about 2 quid and looked fun Also picked up an adhesive strapless bra, one of those Nu Bra things, for cleavage experiments again, I broke the last one I tried this with but it looks like the design has changed, will this one be stronger?

Tried them all on at home (I ain’t queuing for Primark changing rooms), doh made the usual mistake of believing what was on the hanger, the grey shirt dress turned out to be size 18, it’s on the baggy side, but might work worn open over a tee shirt. The peach lace top is a 14 and still rather figure hugging, and has an sort of unusual gathering effect around the sleeves. The hot pants are, well, just they might appear in a photo shoot at some point.

Have a little wander through Selfridges for a look see, the food hall makes me feel hungry. Lunch time I think, pop into the All Bar one near by, been there a few times before, they are always very polite. Welsh Rarebit (fancy cheese on toast) and a glasses of Rosé do nicely. Bio break after. Snap a photo whilst I have to rest room to myself. I don’t have a good camera with me, just the iPhone, so I thought I would see what it can do.

It appears high ISO is not really its forte, grainy or what, but it’s probably got a sensor the smaller than my little finger nail, so its not going to match my full frame D700 is it.

Carry on down Oxford street drifting into a few shops (and buying a cookie for desert). Spot an interesting jacket in H&M, could work, better try it on though. Queue for the changing rooms is long and doesn’t appear to be moving though. Give up in the end and return the jacket to the rail, the jacket wasn’t that interesting.

About now I realise my leggings are riding up a little (they where a little on the short side to begin with), try to pull them down and my nail must of caught them and I tear them a bit. The hole is a couple of centimetres long and on the thigh, self consciously try to hide the hole with my shopping bags for the rest of the day. The leggings went in the bin when I got home (they where from Primark or Peacocks or somewhere cheap and had started to wear a bit thin anyway)

There’s an crowd outside Debenhams, there appears to be a rather unusual Mannequin in the window, its singing Opera. Well actually it’s an Opera singer in sort of mannequinish makeup. Worth a snap.

The right hand side of that picture are another couple of unusual mannequins, two girls posing in the window of Jane Norman, just up the road. Coincidence? Had some shopping to do in Jane Norman anyway, its not usually my first choice of shop, as it seems to specialise in plunging neck lines and/or sleeveless outfits, neither of which suit me, but I’d seen a top in there I’d liked and thought I could pull off. Find my top (actually its in the window on that picture above, on the far left) and oh that’s nice, another of those military style jackets, green this time, goes up to size 16 to, worth a try on? Queue for the changing rooms isn’t bad, don’t bother trying on the top, it looks like it will fit, just try the jacket. But its very tight, I guess that’s the style, but when it comes to zipping it up I fear I might break something and I’d thought I’d lost a smidge of weight :(. Just buy the top in the end. Remind myself not to stare at the sales girl’s ample cleavage whilst paying. Its not just lechery, there’s a touch of envy going on as well.

Another outfit I’d spotted during the week was on a mannequin in a branch of Zara near work, a sort of green kaki top (it appears Zara are really going for this miltary style at the moment), worn over a black one, with denim shorts, shinny leggings (the fashion that won’t go away) and strappy shoes. It looked great on the mannequin, hoped it would work on me, I reckon I had most of the bits already, just needed the green top. A search around one of the Oxford street branches (sorry Mr doorman, no food or drink, I will finish my cookie first) located a kaki green top, I think it was the one I saw, sort of loose off the shoulder, with a sliver bird motif and some holes for some reason (checking today it, I found I got the wrong top after all). Queue up to pay, there’s a fairly long queue and only one girl working the tills, so it takes a while. The customer before me appears to have a complex exchange/return thing to do and the sales girl calls over a supervisor to help, the supervisor says she will deal with the customer before me so, the sales girl says to her “OK I will deal with the Lady here then”, referring to me Sometimes when I get “Madam’ed” etc I think people are just humouring me or just being polite, but when you overhear them referring to you as female to someone else,  well I think its more likely that’s what they really saw. Which is nice

Actual reaction wise it had been OK, I’d got a handful of curious “looks” mostly from younger women, but that’s about, no one shouting at me and people I dealt with where polite and either used feminine or neutral pronouns.

Past Oxford circus now, time is getting on and it’s a bit chilly out. Little loop through Top Shop and Miss Selfridge, nice, but not today. Get a bit more cash out at the bank (nice warm machines inside with no queue’s people as I keep mentioning) and over the road to the other New Look, the new big one.

They too have a lot of those boots, but again, no size 9. They did have 8 though. Now I’ve tried these on before but well it doesn’t hurt to try again does it. This time I did manage to do the zips up, yes they are to tight around the toes, but what the hell, it’s not like I’ll be walking far in them. Decide to get them anyway and take them off. But just then a sales woman asks if she can help, I ask if they have these in 9, so she searches the racks for me, no can’t find them and goes to check the stock room. Nope none there either, sorry. Still it was nice of her to help. Buy the 8’s, they are dressing up box only items, but for £20 I think they are worth it. Try them on at home again, yes just about manageable for short periods of time and paired with those shiny hot pants we have some photoshoot material

Decide I better get some replacement leggings while I’m here since I holed this pair. Better get some denim shorts too, for that other outfit too, the only pair I have that still fit me are really really pale denim, not the right colour. They have a large selection of denim shorts in store so finding a cheap pair in the right shade isn’t hard.

Right I think I have enough shopping now and it’s to cold outside in these thin leggings. Think I’ve gone through the toe of one of the knee highs I’m wearing under my boots to. Oh still got Charles Fox to go to don’t I though, better get to Covent Garden. It’s a bit of a trek, boots, even though they only had a low block heel,  where starting to make there presence felt and the cold was starting to bite.

Take “shortcut” though H&M Covent garden, I like that particular branch anyway Those black PVC skirts I saw there a few weeks ago are on sale, looks like another fashion gone to far again. But I like going a little to far don’t I, so have a look around for one in my size on the sale racks. Can only find size 10’s, oh well.

While I’m H&M I  spot a young woman, she stands out, she’s very tall, T-dar doesn’t ping though, even from the back she’s obviously (to me) GG. When I spot a woman who looks exceptionally tall, I sometime walk past her, just to see how I compare in size. Almost always these exceptionally tall women who stand out in a crowd only come up to about my eyes, I must be totally amazonian and visible from next week This one only comes up my eyes too. But she’s very slim and has great hair, model? Glance back after I pass her, to try and have a look at her face. She has the face of an angel, has to be a model, if not she could easily be one. And she’s looking right at me (possibly she’s not used to seeing women (or those presenting as one) taller than her), our eye’s meet for a second. Turn away and walk off quickly before I do something stupid.

Charles Fox do have a range of prosthetic makeup materials, and quite a few books and even DVD’s explaining it all. I leaf through a couple of the books, it all looks rather involved with life casting and what not and you would definitely need more than one pair of hands. Even the books are a bit expensive too. In the end I just get a small bottle of liquid latex. Need a brush to apply the latex with to, woman serving in Charles Fox tells me the stuff tends to ruin good brushes, so I think I’ll get a pound shop special to apply it. This projects is starting to look like a non starter though, its just too complex, expensive and messy, esp for just one person working in a small flat. Does this stuff smell funny to?

Right that’s the shopping done and its far to cold now. Go get the bus home, it gets stuck in traffic due to the football. Pick up wine and rice crackers at the shop near the bus stop before returning to the flat. Land lady isn’t there, phew.

Dinner turned out to be most of that wine and those crackers. Decided not to drink all the wine as that inevitably puts me to sleep and I didn’t want to do that. Nope, wanted to go out again. Had a couple of options, there was the exotic Hold up Heroines Hot Sake night, it sounded amazing and I had outfits that would work too. But it was rather expensive, not easy to get to (and even less easy to get back from) and I wasn’t sure if it was the sort of night I could just go on my own (in case I looked to odd/strange/weird) and well it’s a possibility they wouldn’t even let a single t-girl in (The rules stated Male guest had to be accompanied by at least one female guest, guess it depends on how they define male/female). And I was on call anyway, big nights out like that and on call don’t really mix. One day I’ll make it to one of their nights. The other option was the Gypsy Hotel, well it was nearby, cheaper and I can just stand around listening to the bands in the dark club without looking too stupid. Gypsy hotel it is then, and I’m definitely going this time, no falling asleep as usual.

So what to wear, the cold day had turned into a distinctly chilly night, so I needed a bit more on. Try the new Jane Norman top, its fits, in fact it’s a touch baggy, but that seems to flatter me a bit. Find why its baggy, turns out I picked up a 16 when I wanted a 14. But then again that jacket I couldn’t really do up in the same shop was a 16, weird. Regardless of that, yes I’m wearing this top, I like it, its long and sort of flared at the bottom, skirt like, it makes it look like I’ve got curves, which is nice. Pair it with some coated black denim jeans that look a bit like leather, leatherish military style jacket and a different pair of tan boots complete it. Yeah like that, hope it will be warm enough. There’s no time for a proper photo though.

 Out that flat just gone 9, well I know now not to get there to early. There’s the bus, run. Don’t run fast enough, it drives off. Bah. Next one is 17 minutes, I’m not waiting here for that long. Sod it, I’ll walk.

Perhaps I should of just gone back to the flat and waited out the bus there? The journey was cold (even when walking quickly) and these boots had too much heel. After spending all afternoon on my feet in the West End this wasn’t good. Normally I walk back home after a night in Dalston but knew I would need the bus this time, fortunately the one I need is a 24 hour one. Unfortunately there’s only 2 an hour after midnight note the times it’s meant to turn up at the stop near the club, clutching at straws a bit here, bus time tables are usually complete works of fiction.

Down into the club, the first act has just started and it’s not too busy.

The first turn is the The Big Fibbers.co.uk a rather jokey duo with some fun songs. I like them.

Hey where did all these people come from, the club is filling up rapidly. Next act is just a solo lad ubnder the name The Screaming Tupelo he kicks a drum, sings and plays distorted guitar.

He sounds better than I describe it, he’s actually pretty good. Seems to be popular with the crowd to.

Burleque next, Mellissa Ramosdoes a turn, nice housewife goes bad and does something rather odd with a rolling pin an a pie… Not the cutest piece of Burlseque ever, but a bit of an edge,  worth watching, even with good girl gone bad theme which has been done quite a few times.

4th act was the The Jooks of Kent, a pretty raucous Blues/Rock n Roll trio, they rock Dance along a bit. The recorded tracks on thier myspace don’t really do them justice, they are much better live.

Feet starting to protest now, would like to sit down, but there’s not much seating in this club, Also want the loo but there’s a rather long queue for the ladies and I’m feeling a little shy to queue up (the lights quite good in that park to the club).

Next performance is another Burlesque performer, Scarlett o’Harlette, who starts of with a navy uniform and a white ensign flag before well you know. But I can’t get anywhere near the front to get a good picture, she’s rather popular.

Instead I take advantage of the popularity and quickly duck into the ladies, the queue had gone right down, natal women watch Burlesque too you know. After that I feel I can have another drink. Better be the last one though.

Next band is another trio, the The Tropics of Cancer, who are mostly instrumental and play quite a long set. I grab a few photo’s but then go find a seat, they aren’t really to my taste, there just doesn’t seem to be enough going on.

Find a seat near the alcove at the back, this seems to have become the unofficial cloak room, lots of people have left there coats on the bench. I might of closed my eye’s a couple of times during, maybe that last drink was one to many. A couple of nice people say Hi as they collect there coats, one girl even asks if I’m OK, I smile and say I’m just tired. Its nice just to put my feet up for a bit.

Last band is The Drunken Balordi . I wirily get up of my seat and go and have a look. But get a 2nd wind, they are mad bunch of sort of Gypsy punks, loud guitars and an accordion blasting away. A comparison to the Pogues might be in order. Anyway its fun energetic stuff and the crowd goes a bit mad. Sneak around and grab a few shots. Try to be good and not get in the way.

But I know this little bit of new energy won’t last, its about 1:15am, best be getting home, the Drunken Baloridi hadn’t finished and there was another turn on after but I knew I wouldn’t make it. The bus time table had said there would one at 1:28… I’m not sure I believe it but its better than nothing. Outside, blast of cold, shiver, do up jacket quickly. Have some time before the supposed Bus and I only had crackers for dinner, so I can have some chips can’t I. There does appear to still be a few places open nearby but I can’t place there origin, I can’t read the menu’s at most ofthem, can’t even identity the language. One seems to do takeaway and there is some English on the menu so pop in, it looks like a kebabish sort of place, they have a huge charcoal grill and such. But they don’t do chips, or even Falafel, I think I’ve got total cuisine comprehension failure.

No chips then, better get to the bus stop, looks like there are people waiting there so the Bus hasn’t gone already. But hey what’s that over the road, that looks like a regular Kebab shop that’s still open It is, get there and see the sign says is open till 5am! Big portion of chips please, with burger sauce

Eat my chips waiting for the bus, looks like quite a few people from the club are waiting too. The food helps a little but am starting to shiver a little. 1:28 comes and goes, no bus but fortunately its not that late, 6 minutes later it roles up. Back into the warm

Get home by nearly 2, and chill for a bit with a cup of tea before deprincessing and turning in. Not a bad day really, shopping mostly good, club mostly good, no hassle, no trouble. just a bit cold and foot sore that’s all. Oh and a pair of leggings and a pair of ankle highs had to go to the big laundry basket in the sky.

Sunday, lie in a bit, before I get the first text from work saying things had gone wrong. Pretty much every that can go wrong does, but fortunately they are mostly easy to fix. Manage to sneak in a little pub lunch and the odd game of Star Trek Online in between. Sunday evening seems darker, colder and lonelier than usual perhaps it’s the thought of Monday morning.

Monday, work want me in at 7:30 for “Support”. Support of a system I have no power over, bah. Getting in for 7:30 required leaving the flat at 5:45

Next week, well its Mothers day, but Mum want to come down the week after, so a free weekend There’s a book signing to go to on Saturday and a new club night starting on Friday. Not sure I’ll get to there though, I think its another of these where I would feel odd turning up alone.
 

I’m back and still in mostly one piece, so I guess its time to update this tedious tale. Wibbly wobbly time machine effect back to Wednesday 17th of Feb… My last day of work, the plan was to take it easy as all the management where out managerizing something offsite and get out of work fast. Fat chance. Boss remotely tries to assign a unrealistic  task to a consultant, can’t be done, he doesn’t understand why not (because he hasn’t even looked into the task and it was his task in the first place), so I have to step in and try and move things along. Lost even more hair but got some done. Get out of work far later than planned

I had an extra reason for wanting to get out of work early, the obvious was holidays, but the other thing was Club Lola was reopening that night and I wanted a little more Helena time before I left. Anyway got home, dragged blade across face, put plenty of slap on and get into my expensive new Cop Copine dress I got myself for Christmas. Its first outing, hrmm, good thing its meant to be baggy around the waist as it hides the over indulgence, but even though its meant to be worn off the shoulder, it doesn’t want to stay there, bah.

No time for photo’s, it’s gone 9 when by the time I’m ready, but to be honest I didn’t want to be there early anyway. Put a big coat on and totter off to the bus. OMG there it is, move as fast as I can, which isn’t that fast, I’m in 4″ heels (the Matalan ones from the pre Chrimbo do) , but its just fast enough to catch it. Know the shoes and me will fall out later in the evening, so have packed flats just in case.

Club Lola has moved, its now in Stanza on Shaftsbury avenue, should be easy to get to, bus goes right by it. Off the bus near Chinatown, now for some reason I was convinced Stanza was past the Curzon cinema, so I walk off in that direction. Cept I get to Wardour street and can’t find it, bugger. Go back the other way? Guess I have to. Brrrr its cold. Try to slow down my walk, my normal pace looks ungainly in these shoes, think this might of got me spotted, a chavy girl might of shouted “Geezer” at me as I passed, not 100% sure. But I guess I didn’t look that scary, and American (I assume from the accent) stops me an asks for directions to “Lie-ces-tor  Square”, gwad, I thought them pronouncing it that badly was just an urban myth.  I point the way and carry on down the street. Find Stanza eventually, it is the other side of the cinema, me and my “awesome” sense of direction at work.

You have to go upstairs, to the reception, there’s and man on the desk, who takes one look at me and asks if I’m here for Lola’s. But he is totally polite, take my coat for the cloak room and uses female pronouns all the way.

You have to walk down some odd corridors to a bar at the back (Soho can be like that you get these odd places sort of buried/tunnelled out of other building) where Lola was at. The place, well its bigger than the old one and the décor is sort of Hotel Lounge bar meets somebodies front room. Hrmm, not bad, not uncomfortable either and carpeted (much easier on the feet in stilettos) but I dunno, the old location seemed to have a bit more atmosphere, it had just that little bit of Soho Seediness that gave it a slight edge). For some reason My Fair Lady is playing on a plasma screen on the wall, the sound is off, but there are subtitles, Spanish subtitles…

Get a glass of wine and look for familiar faces. Its not that busy is it.. perhaps it’s the bigger room making it look emptier. Think I spot a few faces I think I recognise, but there’s Sarah Thorn, so I go and plonk myself next to her. She’s with her friend, Melissa, who looks familiar, but I don’t think I know her. Try to talk, but conversation skills are failing, sort of sit on the edge of Sarah’s and Melissa’s conversation instead.

Memory goes a bit fuzzy now, well it was a week or two ago, and there was a 2nd glass of wine I think by now. Drinks prices don’t seem bad for Soho. Laura turns up around now I recall (maybe wrong). We say hello and chat a little (gossip on the Treacles), but then they all seem to go and circulate. That’s one of my big problems with social gatherings where I know only a few people, I seem to latch on to someone I know who’s sociable and talkative, that works for a while, but when they move off  to circulate I sort of get lost and don’t know what to do.

Try to do something. Remember there was now actually two nights going on at Stenza, Lola and Trans Café. It’s a sort of odd arrangement, the two are sort of linked, but Lola is in the Lounge bar at the back and Trans Café is at the restaurant at the front. The restaurant is only open till ten though, and then it sort of becomes a night club, I think. I guess is those who want to have a dance and stuff can go on to Trans Café and Lola’s is reserved for quiet chats.

Anyway there’s a few familiar faces in the Trans Café bit, Petra, who seems to be part of the team now and co hosting it and Dawn from Roses. Say hello and chat a little, and Petra offers me a glass of Champagne, which was lovely. Maybe it would be nice to go for a meal here sometime? Dunno what’s the food like though. Say hi to Dawn too.

Bio break, toilet just appears to just be labelled WC, no gender specified, but there are no urinals. Unibu then? Appropriate I guess. Try to make hair less messy and take mirror pic, but even my camera decides I’m dull and focuses on my bag.

 
Wander back to Lola, feeling a bit shy now so sit alone and sip my champagne :(  Take a few atmosphere photo’s.

Don’t feel I can just break into others conversations, don’t have a book, hrmm, ah they have Wifi and I have my pod. Have to pop to reception to get the password (and they are still being very polite) but after that I can have a little surf, passes the time. Post a sulky status update on facebook.

 In the end someone comes up to talk to me. Her name is Tess and she recognises me from Flickr. She’s young, slim and very passable and it appears to be a bit of a nerd, we talk video games for a bit. Get another drink (wasn’t working on Thursday…) Tess is on cola, but I get a cocktail, why not I’m on holiday, forget its name but it’s a grand concoction with strawberries and fresh cream, tastes lovely.

We continue for a bit, my conversation skills are faltering further and Tess looks a little bored, but then Andi turns up. Andi, I’ve vaguely known her for a while (and is the best friend of “her”, but doesn’t seem to hold that against me), joins us and saves the conversation.

But the sociable ones always circulate and she moves on after a bit. In the end me and Tess just decide to go join Laura and Andi and Sarah. Music seems to be the main topic of conversation.

Get another round of drinks, debate if this is really a good idea as I’m loosing stability, but oh well, holiday and all that. It’s gone midnight now and it seems the bar prices have jumped up Also the bar has filled up, not with Lola sort of people, but a new young crowd, who might be something in the theatre/arts, not sure. Take a while to get served.

Bug Laura to take a couple of snaps of me. They aren’t great, its to dark for natural light and the popup flash isn’t that good, not Laura’s fault. But I did want a picture of that new dress

Ok guess its time to go, its late, I’m a bit drunk and others look like they are making a move. This decision is confirmed after I make a verbal faux pas sorry Laura. Definitely have to go now before I insult somebody badly. Change into my flats, get my coat and go look for a night bus.

Double brrrrrr, its ever colder and my bus is ages away. Grab a slice of pizza as I wait, hrmm, bus that will take me halfway there is approaching, that will be warm, so get on.

It drops me off at Angel, I had sort of hoped my bus would of caught up, but there’s no sign and its not even on the indicator board. Damm. Better start walking.

But its so cold coat is quite big, but my legs are still exposed and they only have thin tights on. Route home passes a Kebab shop, yeah I just had pizza, but well chips would keep me warm for a bit, and as I said, holiday and all that. Get some.

Kebab shop is next to a bus stop, bah no sign of my one on the indicator, so carry on walking for a bit. Hear a bus turn up behind me, cast a glance, OMG there it is, run back to it, waving and trying not to drop the chips. Bloody driver ignores me and drives off. Double Bugger. Won’t be another one for at least half an hour now, and its 25 minutes walk home from here. Definitely have to walk now

Its getting colder, shiver. Near the end of my journey I have two options, walk though the park, or go down the well light main road. Sensible girls go down the main road, but its 5 minutes longer and its too cold…. (and I had been drinking). I go through the park. It is better lit than it used to be though and they say it’s safer after the tube station shuts because muggers have nowhere to quickly escape to.

Walk quickly even though it seems I’m the only person about. But not the only thing moving, what’s that, top big for a cat, wrong shape for a dog, hey it’s a fox, on the pavement. Follow the fox, it crosses the road. I want to get a photo, fumble for the camera, just uses the settings its on, but mange grab a shot or two at ludicrous ISO. Hey there’s not just one fox but two.

The illusive urban fox.in its natural habitat. Pity its a rotten picture, but getting it sort of made the whole cold walk home worth it. Survive the rest of the park with no predators

Lola’s is OK, better for the chatty types though, I might turn up every now and then (more likely if the laser can remove most of my hair so it doesn’t take as long to get ready), but really I enjoy club nights where’s there loud music and I can take lots of photo’s, saves me from trying to talk and failing at it.

Thursday, day of work, first day of my holiday and er its work work work. Flat is a tip and I have a tonne of washing to do. Spend the day tiding up, cleaning and doing laundry.

Friday, real holiday starts here, but there’s still a few bits of stuff I need, so I get up a little too early and run around over town finding stuff (seems the best place to get a demister cloth for my goggles is Homebase). Back home in the afternoon to pack up everything and put this hazard tape on my bags. Its black and yellow stripes, my theory is my plain black bags (suitcase and board bag) won’t standout on the airport luggage carrousel, as half the other bags will be black, but adding the tape will make them standout. It does actually work. Spotted my cases immediately, though the tape doesn’t stick to the bags that well and some comes off.

Packed and now I just have to wait for the taxi to the airport. Except its 6pm and the Taxi is actually at 3am Saturday. Sleep, no to excited (and nervous I would oversleep), so pass the time with a couple of movies (Lesbian Vampire Killers, don’t bother) and Star Trek Online. Some noobs where pwned

Little mad panic around 2:45 making sure I had everything, taps where off, lights off, stuff unplugged etc, but we get there in the end. Taxi arrives on time and we are on they way.

Not the fastest taxi ride in the world and some of the drivers in Brixton at 3:30 am appear to be quite mad, but we get there. Check in, am worried my board bag will be overweight and they won’t let it on (there appears to be some confusion in the literature over what the weigh limit is), but it goes through painlessly. Woot

Plane departs mostly on time. Delayed slightly by 2 passengers who where on the wrong flight. Well sort of, it was the right flight number but they where a WEEK early for it! they should have been flying next week. How does that happen? How do they get so confused to arrive a week early, how does the airline even let then check in? Their baggage has to be removed from the plane which took 15 minutes. Plane is very full and there’s no legroom, but it’s a short flight.

Hello Austria

Baggage claims takes too long as usual, but the tape helps, bus ride to the resort isn’t helped by the really really blokely bunch of men near me who are big, loud, shaven headed and swear every 3rd word. OMG the blokely blokes are in the same hotel as me. OMFG half of them are in the room next to me

Its around lunchtime when I arrived, and I’d been up for about 28 hours. Can’t sleep though, partly through excitement and then there’s this ski briefing I have to attended at 6:30. Wander around the village, Hinterglemm, to get the layout and take a few pics.

It had been snowing all morning, which is good Village is small, smaller than Mayrhoften or Zell am See but it seems to have everything (the essential supermarkets) and there is a ski lift really close to the Hotel. The Hotel is basic, but adequate for my needs. Room is small, but it is just a single and there is a balcony Kept hitting my head on the TV as I went onto it though

Manage to stay awake long enough to attended the ski briefing and have dinner in the hotel. Hotel dinner was erm, meet. Well I knew I wouldn’t be able to remain veggie this week, hotel dinner had no veggie option. Also it was really very erm average, in fact slightly below average, the soup starters where generally OK, but the main course tended to be plain meat and potatoes with veg, most of it tasted like it had just come out of a can. Oh well I didn’t come here for the food. Breakfast was OK, but it was muesli and or bread with ham or cheese and that was hard to mess up. Made up for it with lunches in the mountain restaurants, local Austrian dishes (and er Pizza) which where all very very nice. Great views too.

Crashed around 7:30 pm, I’d been up for nearly 36 hours. Only to get woken up around midnight. Turns out there’s a nightclub behind the hotel (and I have a room at the back) that’s got loud music to 3am and loud shouty people outside it. And the blokely blokes then rolled in around 3:30, drunk and loud. That and a loud snorer in the room on the other side made sleep hard. This noise pattern continued through the week Sometimes I would crash early, often before 8, then get woken up around midnight, so I just read for a few hours before going back to sleep around 4 when it got quiet again. Other times I wore earplugs or my iPod head phones to try and blot out the noise, but I don’t find earplugs comfortable. Wasn’t really a restful holiday.

Sunday, first day on the slopes, have rough instructions on how to join my lesson group, but have some time before to get warmed up. Nearest bunny hill has T-Bar lift, not great for boarders, get up the hill OK, but fluff the dismount at the top of the lift and fall over. Then try to ride down the hill. Its steeper than I thought and I sort of bottle it and side slip a lot, boarding fail. Try the other slope, it’s got a button lift. again not great but manage it OK. Have 2 or 3 goes at this and start to turn a bit better.

Right lets find the lesson group. Don’t really know who I should talk to or which group I should be in. And there doesn’t appear to be anybody English around. Plus they are young, very young. Bit lost now. But eventually they get it together and send us up the bunny hill to see how we do as I say I’ve boarded before. I do my turns and they send me over to that group, the B group.

After what feels for ever, B group gets moving, it appears to be mostly teenagers and me, yikes, I feel old. Instructor takes us up to the top of the mountain, rides down a little bit and tells us to ride down, one hand on hip, the other pointing down when we turn or something. I go first and do as told.

When I get to him he says you shouldn’t be in this group, you should be in group C or even D, you are too good. Oh. Confusion again. He phones a colleague and I get reassigned to group C, who turn up on the same slope 10 minutes later.

Group C was to be my lesson group for the week, about 12 in all, and mostly Dutch ~15 year old girls…. It turns out this week was Dutch Half term and 95% of the people here where from the Netherlands. It also appears snowboarding is ‘in’ with there teenage girls, boys more often than not seeming to prefer ski’s for some reason?

The girls, well mostly seem to want to crash into each other, throw snowballs and giggle and chat, not really get on with learning new stuff. But when they do go, they are rather fearless and fast, faster than me and slightly out of control. I couldn’t always keep up. The instructor was Dutch to, lad in his mid to late twenties. So basically the lessons where in Dutch with maybe a little English for my benefit at the end. I did learn a few little bits, but to be honest it was a bit of a pain, lots of talking I didn’t understand and lots of stopping and sitting on the snow when I wanted to be ridding. Unlike previous lesson groups I’d had in other resorts the group did lunch together to, well sort of. The old awkward English one here sat alone, I didn’t really feel part of it all. Plus I was the only one drinking beer. A few spoke to me a bit, they asked my name, age, who I was with, when the learned I was over 40 and here on my own they look the piss a little.

Do have little theory about the snowboarding thing for the girls, its sort of like horse ridding for English girls of the same age (and wealthy families and slightly sheltered upbringings), its a bit of adrenaline, adventure and excitement in early/mid puberty, before they really discover boys, loud music and booze later on.

I’d booked lessons for 6 days, but knew I wouldn’t mange all 6 with them. In the end I lasted 3, till Tuesday, I just wanted to go ride the mountain and not sit around listening to people talk Dutch. Also I accidentally ran into one of the girls on the Tuesday afternoon and she fell on me, she didn’t say she was hurt and laughed it off, but I felt bad about doing it. I’m not good at riding in groups anyway, I always seem to turn left when everyone else goes right and so on. I would be safer to all on my own (story of my life).

Still I learnt a bit, my technique on steep slopes has always been scrappy, but I learnt if I really bend the knees when traversing, then bob up quickly just before initiating the turn unwieghted the board enough to get it to turn quickly, that and putting pressure on the back foot to hold the edge as I followed through the turn enabled me hold the edge much better and not slip or judder. Took a bit of concentration though and my knees are as flexible as they used to be, bumps on the piste upset the line to. More work is required, but some times, when I got it right, I could now do smooth constant speed turns on steep red slopes, instead of my more usual steep slope technique of kicking the board around and holding on until the board settled

Also the instructor gave us a good tour of the mountains, we travelled around the whole valley and I found several runs I liked. So all in all, not a total waste

Do seem to have lost any ability to go fast, if the there was any real gradient and/or the conditions weren’t ideal and/or it was busy I would slow right down and try to be as controlled as possible. My board complied, but I felt it really wanted to go, perhaps it’s a bit to fast for me. The speed was very noticeable on ski ways, where its usually to narrow to turn, so you run flat, if there was a gradient it would start to pick up to much speed and I would bottle it and try and scrub it off, sometimes hitting the edge and falling. I hate ski ways.

Though one benefit of this speed where flat sections, every resort has them. This happened a  few times, slope before the flat, skier/boarder next to me goes straight down the slope at top speed, but still runs out of puff and has to start polling/unstrapping 3/4 of the way down the flat. I wus out, put in turns on the slope before running flat, but still glide past them 3 minutes later. Think I might benefit from a slower softer boards for many things, but I would miss my current ones speed on the flats.

Ride on my own on Wednesday and Thursday, covering many of the slopes I like top to bottom, no stops, at my own pace, big wide turns when I can. Some of them are about 4km long and a K down. Weather gets rather warm and sunny on Thursday, slopes turn very bumpy and slushy, its, I dunno, not snowboarding on the slushy bumps, its sort of surfing really. Have a few huge, but rather comedy falls on the really soft snow.

By 3:30-4 most days I’m knackered and do one last run down to the village’s top Apres Bar, the GoaBstall. Yes Goat stall, sort of like a barn for goats. And it really had goats in it. And a couple of hundred Dutch/German/Austrian getting pissed and singing along to the cheesy music. Felt I deserved my beer after the long sessions on my own. So much so I had another beer and a schnapps and Yagermiester But alone, mega après sessions aren’t going to happen, so back to the hotel we go. This was generally easy, there was only 100 metres of slope to go down, I usually didn’t even bother putting my gloves one but one night I was a little more tired and pissed than usual, put in 3 turns, told my self, hey I can board even in this state, smiled, then promptly caught my toe edge and landed in the snow head first. The snow was soft and slushy, so it didn’t hurt and was rather funny really.

Yeah I fell a few times, mostly no harm was done, I have a couple of bruises on my knees, even with knee pads and a blister and a few cuts and grazes on my shins that’s all, which after last years black eye, is a result. Also broke several nails I really should of just trimmed them down before I went. Picked up a cold though, sniffle.

After après I usually retired to my hotel balcony, with a bag of crisps, a book and some beer from the supermarket (left outside on the balcony all day chilled it nicely). Beer in supermarket < 1 euro, same volume of beer in an après bar could be as much as 5. Tight git. But it really was a good way for me anyway to uncompress and just wind down after a hard day on the piste, I need a little more peace than the average après ski bar offers.

After Dinner in the hotel I was usually ready for bed, as noted above sleep was hard, but one night I managed to stay up one night and have a wander. Took some photo’s

One piste and the park where floodlit and you could ride them till 9:30, I intended to have one go at this, but never got around to it. Another year perhaps.

By Friday I’d think I’d had enough boarding for a while, I was a just bit tired. Decided to just take it easy and just do a few easy runs. First run was awful, can I even snowboard any more? 2nd, hey its snowing a little and the run was a little better. 3rd and I take a ski way (actually not a bad one) to another piste I prefer and its snowing a lot. After the next run, at the top is er where’s the piste gone, almost white out conditions? At the bottom it was rain (wasn’t cold enough for a snow 1km down). Give up for a bit after that, see if it passes over. Have a hot chocolate and rum and realise I hadn’t a good pic of me. Try to rectify.

So now what, to get back to the village its go down to the bottom then either the bus or go up to the top of the other side then ride down. I do the later in a last bit of bravado. It’s a rough ride, very poor visibility and there are a few tumbles. But make it down to the village in the end. It’s now sleeting heavily at the village level and I’m pretty soaked, warm up with a bowl of Goulash soup. Right that’s it for boarding I decide, have to dry everything and pack anyway.

But on the way back to the hotel I have to pass the fun park. Now this is the sort of place I did my eye in on Friday the previous year, so I was wary, but something said have a go. So yes I did. The snow in the park was very wet and slow, which helped, and there was this very very low and quite wide box, snowboard freestyle in ultra easy mode. So I rode it, successfully too That’s it, I’ve slew the park, now its time to stop boarding whilst I’m still ahead.

Have an afternoon to kill though, after setting out the wet things to dry and having my post board beer, book and crisps, its out into town. Well I had to buy a few sweets and stuff for my office colleagues (tradition) and well there was this item I had an eye on. Thoughts of Helena had been coming though in the last few days, on the piste the only thing on my mind is the next turn and where is that halfwit skier in front of me going to go, but in the lonely nights… Now the little village had a couple of clothes shops, they had men’s and women’s items and in particular these traditional Austrian dresses… Now actually I bought one of these last year in Mayrhoften, but for some reason bought a size 38 which I though I could fit in. Maybe I could when I was at my thinnest, but now now, no, way to small (its still lying in the dressing up box hopeing one day I’ll get smaller). They where cheap in Mayrhoften though, but in Hinterglemm they where a bit more, 100 euros or so, but I’d been good and the supermarket beer saved me money so I thought I would treat myself to a dressing up outfit, and they had them in larger sizes here too.

So into the shop, they had a 44, not in my favourite colour (purple), but quite nice, woman in the shop was helpful, checked and even called another shop to see if they was a 44 in red or green (Sorry no) and even measured the waist on it for me (80cm) as I said it was for a friend who was quite big… I was almost ready to buy when I noticed another price tag. It read 690 euros…!!!! I’d been reading the price of just the blouses, which where around 100 euro’s, not the whole dress I guess these where hand made quality items (they where really well made and substantial) and the one from Maryhofen was a mass produced novelty item. Sorry Helena, no dress.

I still had time I though, and there was always Saalbach, the larger village up the valley (part of the same linked piste system, I rode hills there several times). So I took the free ski bus up to Saalbach, half for a proper look see and half to look for dress shops. There weren’t any No dress for Helena here either. She was starting to get a little miffed.

Back to the hotel, one last dinner, pack, one last poor nights sleep and its up at 5:30 (which was 4:30 UK time) to get the coach back to the airport.

Flight back was uneventful, but Gatwick was very inefficient, don’t get on the train till 13:05. Trudge through Victoria with all my bags, just a tube ride to go. No. No Victoria line today buger. Get on the bus, its only one change. Bus gets totally snarled up in near gridlock near Holborn must take half an hour to get half a mile, bloody road works. In the end it takes almost as long to get from Gatwick to my flat as it did to get from Salzburg to Gatwick, nearly loose the plot.

Tired when I get in, just want to noodle a bit, eat some junk food and have a hot bath. Helena can have a day on Sunday, I have some holiday money left (total rip off changing the euros to pounds a the airport) and she can have her new outfit. Except I can’t get the boiler going. No Hot Water! No Bath! No Shave! No Helena blow things up in Star Trek Online instead before having a very early night. A quiet, uninterrupted night

Sunday, up to early, what to do, well no hot water so no Helena, so no drawing club or anything, but Ian can go into town anyway. And buy an outfit for her. I’d heard the anime shop Tokyo Toys at Piccadilly circus had now started doing cosplay outfits, a little look on there website and hey, a traditional (traditional in anime anyway) Japanese sailor suit school girl uniform in a wide range of sizes, including one I figured I could fit in Helena gets her a dressing up outfit after all.

I get to town rather early, I’m still running on Austrian time, so all the shops are shut. Trap around the west in the Drizzle, crazy plan to do a manga/anime themed “magical girl” photo shoot where school girl would wave her magic dohicky, half her clothes fall off and she’s turned into a magical superhero in a light and colour show (this happens in about half of all anime ). Well my Gothic Lolita dress can be the magical girl outfit, but the clothes falling off bit might be a little difficult though

Back to the shop when its open. They have a uniform I the window, but can’t find any on the shelves ask sale guy meekly? Turns out they have then in a cupboard and there’s a size 14 left, phew. Helena finally gets her outfit. Fits too. Had to modify it a little so I could get my fat head though the top of the blouse though (a flap opens but just not enough until I picked open a few stitches). I’ve already go suitable socks, hair and shoes too. This outfit might appear at a dressy uppy club at some point in the future

Pop to forbidden plant to and pick up a sequel to a book I finished on Holiday (Multireal by David Louise Edelman) then back to the west end for lunch, carrying on the Japanese theme with Salmon Don at the <a href=”http://www.tokyodiner.com/”>Tokyo Dinner</a>.

What time is it, gets out the Ipod, 12:45, hey Avatar is just starting now at the Vue. Time to finally see it. Its good, worth the astronomical West End Cinema price for the spectacle alone. It’s really well done, the alien world of Pandora is spectacular and the blending of the live action, sets and CG probably the best I’ve ever seen. The plot is predictable though, dances with Smurfs, but the action move nicely (what do you expect from the director of Aliens and Terminator). The 3D is mealy OK though, sometimes it really works, sometimes it appears a little forced. Think it robs the picture of a little sharpness as well. Might have to get a bigger screen so I can watch the Blue Ray when it comes out.

Long film though had to take off my coat in the cinema. Was extra careful about my wallet, keys and oyster though, I’ve lost things in the cinema before (specifically my motorcycle keys after watching Blade Runner in Peterborough in the mid 90’s). Yes extra careful about my wallet, keys and oyster, but not my iPod. OMFG where is it? Check every pocket twice, no where, search around under the seats, ask the cleaner, ask the manager. Nope. Nothing. iPod gone sniff. There’s the financial loss, it cost about 160 quid, plus, well I’d become rather attached to it. What is scary though is that it had my email passwords and several website passwords in it (it was an iPod touch with WiFi you see), for both Ian and Helena. Yikes, if someone found the pod they could use them, and someone could link the two people together … one slight ray, the battery was nearly dead, so someone would have to charge it before they used it.

Get home, have to stop at the supermarket for food, but first thing when I get back is change all the passwords. So far so good. Where my pod’s gone is a mystery that will probably never be solved, but my accounts should be secure. But the boiler still won’t start.

Monday, can’t really face work, and without a bath and washing my hair not really presentable either. Email boss saying I’m coming in late as I have to see my land lady. Email him again later saying can I have the whole day off, he’s OK with that. I need to sort the boiler, plus I really actually have to buy some shoes, for Ian, for work, the old ones are just too knackered (Helena : What, you had some new shoes two years ago! ) and have to replace the pod, I can’t face work and stuff without Wifi access while away the tedium. Sod it, not a pod, might as well go the whole hog and get an iPhone. What else, well its coming up to Laser time again, might as well go and book an appointment as I have time.

Find Land Lady and she agrees to get a plumber or heating engineer to come around, but it might take a day or two Getting an iPhone takes a while at the Orange shop, but after a hundred and one checks and forms (well it felt like it) I have an 16gb 3Gs and am now on the web permanently number is the same as the old one for those few with my number, but I haven’t got your numbers in it at the moment. Shoes, Clarks Outlet store is good for cheap shoes, there’s no perfect pair, but I find a pair that should do him another couple of years. Pick up a ‘jegging’ denim mini skirt in Peacocks next door while I’m there It looks like a grey denim skirt, but being actually made from a  thin stretchy material (like leggings) so it really figure hugs, cute (ok not really cute, more like tarty ). So far so good.

Take the long tube ride up to Barnet to book the next laser session in person. Renew Medica Barnet is closed on Monday. Which I would of known if I had the forethought to check the website. Hell I could of checked the website on my phone. Long trip for nothing, bah.

Home, boiler still not working Wash my hair with very cold water. It’s horrible.

The bolier has now been fixed, so there should be a little Helena time next week, maybe a little trip out. If not I might go utterly bonkers.