I really didn’t know what I was going to do this weekend, normally I have these things planned out by mid week, I travel to work on the train, and walk to and from the stations, so I have a lot of time to think, but this week, well nothing seemed to crystallise. I was in two minds about going to Strictly Bona Ballroom, but didn’t have an outfit. All a bit aimless really.

A post from Jessica Hart on Angels asking if anyone wanted to meet her on Friday night came to my attention. Hadn’t seen Jessica for a few months, so we arranged to meet up an Camino, a smart new Spanish Bar/Restaurant near Kings Cross. But what to wear, to be honest I didn’t want to go around Kings Cross in a mini skirt late at night, might get the wrong kind of attention (no I’m not looking for “business”), so I settled on a smart look, sort of office girl stopping for a drink after work (but what about dress down Fridays?). Thursday was payday, and late night shopping so I raided Primak and H&M on the way home from work for smart trousers (amongst other things).

Friday, rush home from work, quip from the boss about time keeping as I leave at 4. Actually I’d already worked overtime that week and got in at 8:04am that day thank you very much, I wasn’t actually slacking (for a change). Shave and change, hrm, not some much smart office girl, more grumpy waitress really, oh well.

I get to the bar just before 9, it’s packed, dam, I’ve seen it on other nights and it’s never this busy. Oh well. Try to find some where to wait, Jessica had already texted and said she would be there and Clarissa would be joining us. Button falls of my coat as I take it off, Primark quality! check my outfit, tights, trousers, blouse, waistcoat and coat are all Primark! Gawd I’m cheap. Get a glass of wine and find a small table in a corner to wait, but don’t have to wait long. Jessica turns up with Clarrisa, who has come straight from work and is in boy mode. Well that’s a bit of misnomer, Clarissa in “boy” mode still looks more feminine than I do. We talk, but the bar is too full and noisy and the restaurant doesn’t have any tables, so we decide to move on, wine is downed quite quickly. We move to a much quieter little Italian (Jessica’s original suggestion for dinner) across the road, Casa Mamma I think. We eat, drink more wine and chat, a thoroughly pleasant evening. Waiter might of referred to me as “Signor”, and I think someone noticed I was wearing a wig in the bar, but apart from that, very little reaction. Manage to maintain the mostly veggie when Helena thing with tuna pasta as a main, hrm that’s the 3rd time I’ve had fishy pasta this week, odd. We finish around 11 ish, say our goodbyes and its a tube home. Camera (the little one) stayed in my bag, it was a meal, not a photo shoot.

So that’s Helena time from this week, well to be honest I didn’t know, still had no real plan for Saturday. Morning and I’m not up early, don’t rush to change instead noodle a bit on the web, eat breakfast, phone my parents, pay some bills. Get into the bathroom, hrmm, some stubble, but not a lot, think well I might as well shave, but cut myself to ribbons in the process This is why I have difficulty doing Helena for multiple days, it’s not that I don’t like it, its just that my face can’t cope with tranny grade shaves that often Bleeding stops a bit later and well still not sure, but whilst tidying up the makeup from the previous night, I spot some particular foundation (Estee Lauder Double Wear) I haven’t used for for a while, does it still work? Try it, not to bad, bit of powder to set and shade here and there and its’ getting better, dab of eyeliner and shadow, well I’ve gone this far so why not fix the eyebrows and put on a bit of lippy and there’s Helena’s face is in the mirror. It’s only a quicky make up job, only barely covers up the bad bits (A couple of spots went nasty during the week and my face is a bit of a mess really, I’m feeling unpretty). So that’s the face on, clothes? throw on some jeans and polo neck and dig out some wedge boots that have been in the bottom of the wardrobe for an age and I’m dressed, sort of by accident really, oh hair, think about using my own, wearing a hat to cover up the bald bits, bit nah, and its back on with the syrup.

Empty the contents of the bag used last night into one that goes with the outfit better and I’m out. But where to go, hrmm, well there are these boots, spotted some in a Shoe Zone shop, they go to size 9 but they didn’t have any in stock, so where’s the nearest shoe Zone, er Dalston, why not, head that way. It’s not cold for February, I’m dressed sensibly for a change and the boots are easy to walk in, so jumping on a bus seems unnecessary and I walk. But the Dalston branch doesn’t have that size either, dam, they advertise they do size 9’s the labels on the shoes says they go up to size 9, but they really ever seem to actually have any that size in stock Wander around the market and the shopping centre, but well I did the girly shopping Thursday, the only thing I really wanted was those boots.

It must be about lunch time, wasn’t wearing a watch. The watch I usually wear as Helena is a bit broken, it’s got an stretch bracelet strap and the spring in one of the links has gone Well it didn’t fit so well anyway, my wrists are to small and hands to big. Just a basic cheap watch, but it has sentimental value, I’ve worn it on pretty much every other trip out. I really should of been on the lookout for a new one, but I just loose track of time instead.

There’s a guy selling pots of hot sweetcorn in the shopping centre, novel fast food, get some and actually its really nice, with butter and black pepper, filling too. Finish off with a coffee, girl in Tchibo nearly gets my order right.

So what next, er er, well I haven’t been to Forbidden Planet for a while, yeah why not, can go for a wander in Covent Garden as well. But that’s really to far to walk, so find a bus. It’s a rather long bus ride, thoughts come back to that camera and the lights, I had tried taking pictures that morning in just natural light, but still think I needed proper strobes. Decide to get a flashgun, it may be expensive, but its a lot smaller and more portable than studio lights. Jaccobs have it for as good a price I’ve seen (60 quid less than Jessops across the road) and I have my paws on a top of range Nikon SB800 speedlight. Had a look at the manual when I got it home, bloody ‘ell, it’s more complicated than the camera! Thinking about it, that’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought in girl mode, but isn’t chip and pin great, lad in shop doesn’t even look at my card, just as well, it has MR IAN ……. written on it. But then again he probably spotted me as a bloke anyway so it wouldn’t of mattered.

After the camera shop, it’s FP, get a book and drift through Covent garden. “Velvetella” Lip liner in MAC , been looking for a really dark creme stick liner for a while. Wander though a couple of vintage clothing places, still thinking about that 50’s theme Bona ballroom, but nah, nothing appealed.

Head north, if I’m not going out tonight (herad later it was a top night out) , might was well get a DVD or something, pop into the big Zavvi shop (there again) pick up Resident Evil Extinction, Milla Jovovich shooting zombies whilest wearing stockings, can’t go wrong with that. So Ian went out and bought the girls clothes on Thursday, and Helena went out and bought a flashgun, a sci fi novel and a trashy DVD on Saturday. I’m getting this all wrong aren’t I, said I was blurring. Oh but I did buy lip liner, girlyness restored

Carry on up Tottenham Court Road looking at camera shops. This flashgun can be used off camera, so you can do all sorts of fancy light setups, but to do that I’m going to need to put it on something, so look for light stands, but these are a bit specialised and most of the shops are more consumer orientated and they don’t have them. They don’t have grey cards for setting white balance either, but one recommends I go Calumet, the big pro shop near Euston as they will. In fact West End cameras are very nice and with Madam’s all they way.

Well Euston isn’t that far keep walking. Seem to be doing well, even though I’ve walked miles, those boots are actually quite comfortable and the jeans are keep me warm. Actually this was talked about the night before, the old stereotype, TV always skirts, TS always jeans, but really, going by the ones we’ve met, we agree isn’t a very accurate generalisation. But there has been threads on Angels recently that have brought back the old labels and hierarchies debates and these old stereotypes are being dragged out. Very sad, I’ve decided to avoid those threads from now on, some of the miss informed and quite arrogant attitudes a few people where displaying upset me. I’m not TS, but I do go out as Helena, sometimes in plain jeans and as little makeup as I can get away with (the Islington Lesbian look someone described it) and do ordinary stuff, why, because I have to, things are more complicated than the binary TV/TS a few purport.

Bit windy now, put hat on to control my hair and snap a few pictures. Again no real plan with the pictures this week, the camera come out when there something interesting (to me) or there’s a “Helena outdoors” photo opportunity.

Calumet Photographic is big and they have lots of stuff you just don’t get in the high street (and don’t have things like mid and low end compacts). They are so professional orientated the prices on the goods are listed ex-vat. Yes they do have light stands and grey cards, oo and a background support and sheets and there’s the new Nikon D3 and and, but oh, I’m getting silly now, it’s all way to expensive for my tranny shots (that’s what I said about the flashgun last week, but I still bought it). Decide if I need a stand for the flash I’ll rig something up with a broom handle and some duct tape instead and leave empty handed. Head east.

Why did I walk into Euston, I’m there twice a day, 5 days a week.

But I haven’t been in the British Library for a while, so look in. Don’t get far though, instead of looking at the great works of literature within, I try to take a pic of myself in the courtyard outside instead, sigh

There’s the Camden Centre where that ball is on tonight. Definitely not going now, but the pigeons on the library next door provide some surprisingly good photos

Getting late, feet are still going strong though, thoughts turn towards dinner. Decide to treat myself with a trip to M&S at Angel for food (it’s not food, it’s M&S food and all that), but it’s a disappointment, where’s all the nice diet veggie ready meals gone? End up with only a couple of things and go to Sainsbury’s down the road for the rest. Have a few bags now, so use trolley to make sure what happened in Camden Sainsbury’s doesn’t happen again. The girl on checkout is very smiley and wishes me a good weekend.

 In fact reaction wise its been a good day, perhaps one comment, I heard a rather sarcastic and camp “Ooo Lovely” as I walked into Borders, but then again I didn’t see who said it, it might not of even been aimed at me. Lots of people look my way though, not always approvingly. Interesting (well I though it was) thing about looks, I’m a few metres behind a girl with long blonde hair and tight jeans on Charing Cross Road, bloke passes her walking the other way and turns his head to get a rather long look at her arse (and a very fine arse it is, I have to admit), I pass him next, wonder if he did the same to me? probably not. Shops where good too, in fact I think I will stop mentioning reactions I get in shops, as they are mostly positive, and will only mention if they are particularly good or bad.

Bus home as I’ve got to much shopping now, help an elderly woman get her bag into the luggage bit of the bus, she thanks me with “God bless you Miss”. Miss, YES! first one in ages, but she was old and it was dark by then.

And home. After eating and having a drink or two, slightly mad idea forms (first one of the day). Madder ideas tend to form after a drink or two though. I did buy a book, a sequel to one I’m already reading (Breakaway by Joel Shepherd). But I’ve only got a couple of chapters to go, so I’ll read the rest. So what’s the mad bit, well you see I live in a really tiny studio flat, I haven’t got a nice front room or even a sofa to sit and read on, so I occasionally go to my local pub to read. It’s a football pub really, but when there’s no important match on, it can be quite empty and round the back they have a few nice squashy sofas I can get to myself. That, plus booze on tap and its actually a nice place to have a read. So I was going to the local pub finish my book, in Helena mode.

I suppose it’s part of London Life (or any overcrowded city really), I use the local pub as my front room, the local park as my back garden, the laundrette for laundry, public transport instead of a car, the cinema instead of home cinema etc, a large chunk of my life is lived in public (and watched by 1001 CCTV cameras), as I simply can’t afford privacy. I think a lot of people live this way, you would have to be mind boggling rich to afford a large amount of private space in London. Since I live so much in public, I think  it made going out as Helena much easier as I’m probably less self conscious than I was. Plus since a lot of people also live this way, it sort of explains the “wotever” attitude people have to unconventional behaviour, you just have accept other people you share the space with and get on with your life, you only need to be bothered if there’s actual direct interference.

Back to the story, I went to the pub, it’s not that busy, but there is a match on and most of the people there are glued to the plasma screens. Barmaid serves me a glass of red in mater of fact sort of way, I find a sofa, drink my wine, finish my book and return home. No bother. I don’t think I’m there often enough as Ian to be recognised though and no one seem to mind a random tranny in the local on Saturday night (More likely as where to absorbed by the football to notice), so all well and good, not so mad after all. Home again and the wine had started to get to me by then though, decided not to watch Milla and her stockings and retired to bed.

Hey, this is roughly one year since I started going out all day as Helena and keeping a journal. So far so good, though still seem to be lacking a general over all plan.

Valentines day last Thursday, not my favourite night of the year, spent it alone with a bottle of beer and microwave low fat curry for one, sad. But it’s a busy week at work and it passes quickly and Saturday rolls around again. Didn’t sleep so well Friday night, so a bit tired on Saturday morning, but have things to do, dressed, usual routine, but this week I definitely was going to wear coloured tights, no buts. I had a sort of black and purple outfit planned and was pretty sure it all coordinated, but when I got those tights on, the ones that looked purply in the packet and where labelled as “Raspberry”, on my pale legs they where pink, shocking pink. Not exactly subtle, or coordinating, but to hell with it, I’m wearing them. The tights where a bit thinner than they looked too, and the skirt was rather short, and it was a bright, but chilly February morning, I’m going to be cold aren’t I.

Of course I took pictures. used my 18-55 zoom lense on the camera (I was going to take it out and it would be more flexible than the prime) and used a narrower aperture to try and get more in focus. Seemed to work, but I think the bigger F stops means it needed more light, so I had to brighten up the pictures up a bit afterwards, but this is fairly easy when you shoot in RAW. Still thinking about getting some better lights, but I torn between getting a powerful Nikon flashgun than can do all sorts of clever stuff and can be used off camera or getting a lighting kit with lights, stands, soft boxes and umbrellas. The cheapest lighting kits are actually cheaper than the flashgun, but I’m not sure if they are what I need, plus it is very much the “cheap” kit, so I’m a little worried about quality and suitability. But then again isn’t this all going too far for my personal vanity shots anyway?

Out the house by about 9:45, first task of the day was a trip to the local chemist, for some Imodium. Ah my glamorous tranny lifestyle, where the fun never stops. The reason I didn’t sleep so well the night before was a bout of well, what Imodium treats. But I wasn’t going to let this stop my Helena day; I hoped the Imodium and a decision not to eat anything when out would stop me being caught short. And that’s far far too much information isn’t it, sorry. Another quick stop in a local newsagents for something to help down the pills and it’s off to the tube station. I occasionally use both local shops as Ian, so was little worried about using them as Helena, but nothing was mentioned.

Tube to Westbourne Park, as I was still on this do something different tip, the plan for today was a trip to Portobello Market, as well I haven’t been there for ages, and never as Helena. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before I like markets, Portobello has a different feel to Camden, my usual haunt, more fruit and veg, more antiques, less clothes, but still interesting. I was really sorry to hear about the recent fire in Camden canal market, no one was hurt fortunately (as far as I know) but that bit of Camden has been gutted

On the tube I notice my cheepo knock off D&G handbag isn’t quite right, the straps are held on with a pair of rivets at each end, but one of the rivets on each of the straps has pulled through the cheap synthetic leather, so it’s hanging on by one. I had stuffed my big camera in its bag into my handbag that morning, but was now worried the extra weight could cause the other rivet to fail, so dug it out and wore that bag separately and just hoped the rest would be OK. These knock off bags are cute, that D&G one in particular, but there are really really badly made, the material is nasty, the straps weak and zips poor, I really should just use my Next and New Look bags, they’re far more robust and practical, but its that vanity thing again isn’t it.

Off the tube and head towards the market, but oh, I didn’t realise the canal is just over there, morning walk down Regents canal in the sunshine sounds like a good idea so off I trot. And get the camera out.

It’s really quite pleasant down the canal, the sun is nice, but the wind is cold on the legs, after a bit I turn off it down Ladbroke grove and head towards Portobello. The market is getting busy, lots of people about, a few look my way, but not many, I just add to the general hubbub, one reason I like markets. Through the flea market towards the clothing area under the West way. I really ought to be looking out for a 50’s style outfit for Stickly Bona Ballroom 2, an event I’m in half a mind to go to next week (if I can find something to wear) and there a number of vintage stalls and shops, but I’m really just wandering, not looking that closely and anything much. In my wanderings I enter the Portobello Green bit, an indoor section under the Motorway with some boutiquey designer shops, quite a bit more upmarket than the stalls outside.

What Katie Did have a shop? I didn’t know that. Little explanation, when there was a lot of publicity for the film ““The Notorious Bettie Page a couple of summers ago and I remember a few articles in magazines/paper about that 50’s style pin-up lingerie, and “What Katie Did” lingerie brand was mentioned a few times. But I thought it was all mail order. So when I found their shop in Portobello Green I just had to go in didn’t I. And I had to buy as well, a black 50′ style pointy bra with matching 6 strap suspender belt and big pants where all duly purchased. It’s not cheap, but well, I couldn’t help myself. Girl in the shop wasn’t phased by me at all, quite mater of fact, was asked if I need any help with sizes and she enquired if I wanted to try them on! I’m OK with trying on outerwear in shops these days as long as its not something I need to pull over my head (as it will get covered in makeup), but lingerie, well that’s going a bit far (and those more intimate areas weren’t er fully defuzzed today anyway, OK that’s too much information again isn’t it), I politely decline, plus I know my sizes quite well anyway. I guess they are used to TG customers. Well I’ve got the underwear to go with a 50’s style outfit now anyway. Try it on later at home, the pants are a good fit, the suspender belt is a little tight but not impossible (they didn’t have a 12 in stock, so I got a 10) and it nips the waist a bit. The bra is tight on the band also, but a little too generous in the cups, even though it’s my usual 36b, but I guess this is because the material it’s made from is 50’s style Nylon, a bit scratchy and not as stretchy as modern stuff. An under bust corset would go great with them, may have to think about getting one of those again. Will I be taking pictures of this stuff on me? do trannies wear mini skirts in the woods? But not this week, just take a picture of the items instead.

As I’m wandering around the market I’m snapping away, big camera is dangling around my neck now, ready to try and catch moments. Half the tourists are snapping away to, so no one seems to mind having a camera pointed there way. I take a lot of pictures, and well, even though I think some are OK, they’re the type that lead balloon on Flickr, so I keep them on my hard disk, and instead create a sort of collages of faux postcards in photopaint and publish those as a record of my day. Saves bandwidth.

Forget to load one of them to Flickr, Doh!, Photo’s are pretty much tourist snaps, but I like to think that one of the paella stall has some merit as a photograph. Keep wandering along through the food section of the market. This is nice, some lovely stuff on display and some really tempting hot food stands, my favourite bit of the market really (Food>Clothes) its about lunchtime now and I’m hungry, but worries about, you know, stop me from buying. And there’s American Apparel again, they have more shops than I thought, drop in and get a really tiny, shinny, stretchy black mini skirt that’s just tranny tart tastic and yet another black polo neck. Have been taking a few pics of shop signs, don’t know why, just like the typography I guess, again not really Flickr favourite material, so make a collage of them too.

Spot a girl in similar pink tights to mine, feel validated, you and me sister, fashion leaders Later I see this in the Sun, so pink tights really are in now then?

Going up through the antique section, not really my sort of thing, but a few things warrant a second glance. it’s getting really busy now and getting through the crowds is slow going. Carry on through to Notting Hill. I think a bunch of youngish lads spot me and notice how short my skirt is, then, I think, they notice I’m trans and rapidly loose interest. Notting Hill Gate is full of tourists, must be that film, there’s really not a lot to here see. But there is a sign to a Farmers Market. Like those, so follow them to a car park behind the shops and have a nosey. Take off my glove to try a sample of some cheese on a stall, nice it is too, and a little sample can’t hurt can it. But as I leave the market I realise I only have one glove Young woman passing me tells me she spotted it in the market, I return, walk around, can’t see it (it’s bright pinky/purple it should be obvious), but then stall holder comes up to me and returns my glove. Thank you love. Remember I’m rubbish with gloves and hang on to them tight for the rest of the day.

Carry on towards Kensignton, Trendco Wigs is open, so drop in for a look see, just a browse really, nothing shouts must have. The shop staff, though busy with a real customer, they don’t seem to mind me looking around and ask if I need help. I’d had heard they where TG friendly and its true.

As I walk towards Kensington it starts to feel cold, try to keep in the sun A gel pad in my boot has shifted, becoming a bit uncomfortable stop in a little out of the way square and adjust it. There’s a MAC store there so drop in afterwards, MAC people are pleasant as always, but there’s nothing I really need (soon will though, I’ve practically used up all of my good Kohl pencil), and what the lingerie and AA, need to curb the spending now anyway.

Next stop is Whole Foods Market, slight disappointment, less free samples around than last time, only a few nibbles to be had. Original had plan was to stop here to get stuff for dinner, but am a bit early. Walk around the restaurant bit upstairs longingly, I am hungry now, wow that’s the tallest, pinkest burger I’ve ever seen, no me bad, no red meat today, fresh veggie pasta looks good though. But the lack of seating (I would have to share a communal table) and the worry the Imodium wouldn’t work stopped me. Oh well, another day. Security guy asks me, politely, to put my camera away (it’s still dangling around my neck) as they don’t allow pictures. Not sure why they don’t want pictures but I comply with the request, wasn’t actually taking any anyway.

Browse in a few more stores, nice high waist black pencil skirt in Karen Millen; think I’ll wait till some where cheaper knocks it off though. Stop in the big H&M, trying to find a similar skirt, can’t, but find an interesting dress instead, and take it to the changing rooms to try on. Actually it wasn’t that interesting, it fits OK, but its not a must have, but it did serve as an excuse to go into a private changing cubicle, as I actually needed a bit of a pit stop, adjust the tights, pull down the skirt, check makeup etc.

Boots next, had to pick up some things, nail varnish remover, shampoo etc normal stuff, not really that interesting. After that, Hotel Chocolat for some nice little things to eat later. As I lost some the previous week I hang on to these real tight. It’s cold now, the wind is bighting and every where seems to be in shadow, feet are hurting a bit (I’ve walked a few miles in heels so far today), energy levels are dropping. Half hearted wander through a few more stores, but it’s really just an excuse to get out of the wind for a bit. And there’s another American Apparel, they have more stores than I thought, or is there just one and it’s following me around Get DVD in Zavvi, Daywatch a Russian supernatural/action flic, the sequel to Nightwatch, I missed it at the cinema so wanted to see it, something to watch this evening. Shop assistant girl is all smiles.

I was handed a leaflet in Notting Hill that had a complementary free ticket attached to some sort of fashion shopping event this weekend event, linked to British Fashion week, being held at the Natural History Museum, that’s nearby isn’t it, well why not, jump on a bus towards South Ken (don’t want to walk much by now). Get to the Museum, but the fashion stuff looks closed, maybe this event is somewhere else, I didn’t read the leaflet that closely, do so, and realise the ticket is for Sunday, Doh!

What now, look up the street, there’s the Science Museum, OK lets do that, sod fashion lets geek out, haven’t been there in ages anyway. Still free to get in, but the bag search wasn’t here last time, sign of the times I guess, security guy has a quick looking my hand bag, camera bag and shopping bags, but is quite matter of fact about it, and doesn’t feel the need to pull out the lingerie. Wow a lot of kids are here, should of realised that, my parents took me to this place a few times when I was a kid too. Little unsure what parents reactions will be to a Tranny with a camera around their little ones, but the light is low so I don’t think I’m that easily spotted in it. Take quite a few photo’s, planes and rockets and difference engines, and in a quiet and very blue (contrasts with my pink) part around the back, one of me.

Quite a trip back to childhood really, seems smaller than I remember, but then again I’m bigger now. Still have to fight the urge to try and touch the Apollo (or was it Gemini?) module. Not quite as impressive as it all was when I was a kid, I’m just old and cynical now, but some of the space stuff, planes like the Supermarine Schneider trophy air racer and the analytical engine they are building do still have some wonder in them for an old fart like me. Lack of energy and a bit of anxiety stops me from doing the museum full justice and so I don’t spend too long.

Shields are down by now as I follow the tourist crowds back to the tube station, I’m walking slowly and stooping a bit and really feeling the cold. As I walk down the street, a little girl looks at me, runs off to another bunch of kids, whispers in their ears and they all turn to look, guess I’ve been clocked then. Home now, the tube from South Ken will take me close to home, but I’ve really got nothing to eat at there (hungry!). Not doing the usual supermarket/bus thing today. There’s a shop at the station where I pick up an uninspiring sandwich (limited choice on offer) for later and some water and then get the rather packed tube towards home. But the sandwich isn’t what I really fancy, think, think, Tube goes through Kings Cross, and there are those nice places in St Pancras I can shop in without going outside, plus then I can change line to one that stops closer to home, better idea, do it. Worthy salmon salad at one place in St Pancras, not so worthy chocolate cup cake at another opposite and good service from both.

Since I’m close to home and so far so good, decide to risk a hot drink to warm me through, so stop in Costa. Girl doesn’t seem to understand my order for a large skinny mocha to go and after asking if I wanted a latte (why do they always try to give you a latte?) and then a different kind of mocha she eventually gets it right. I think she was new and didn’t speak English as a first language, has problems finding the right lid for the coffee as well. Hot sweat coffee warms me up a bit, but I guess I’m still tired, I’m stooping a bit, plus the makeup has gone shinny and the eyeliner is running, so not surprised when a girl spots me in the Kings Cross tube station and laughs and tells the man accomplying her ‘That’s a fella’. Panic a bit as I forgot to check if football was on, but spot no red shirts about, so should be OK.

Quick tube ride home and one last walk and I’m home. It’s only four thirty but I’m out of it. Change into jeans and big old sweater, rest for a bit before tucking into that salad and cup cake, catch up with my websites and put the DVD on.

Daywatch is a good film, but very much a sequel to Nightwatch, it doesn’t introduce the existing characters or the situation at all. It took a while to get back into it, as it’s been a year or two since I saw the first one. Plot/dialogue/acting good, perhaps a tad incoherent in places though, but I think this adds to it in a way, the supernatural shouldn’t be entirely logical. Being in Russian (subtitled to English) and set in the Moscow winter seems to give it an edge and atmosphere you don’t often get in UK/US movies it quite un pretty in a way, well it does to this jaded English viewer anyway. Production values are high and its quite effects heavy, but most work very well and are pretty seamless, only a few jar. There’s even a bit of Male/Female body swap going on for a TG angle. Yeah, liked it, recommended, but only if you’ve seen and liked Nightwatch first.

Long film though and long day, well it felt like a long day anyway, I’m in bed by 10:45 and don’t get out of it till 8:45 the next morning. Tried to do something different and wear something different, but well, it was still mostly just shopping.

I tried doing something different this weekend, I did manage to a bit, but then fell back into the pattern.

All week I’d been on a training course, being taught to do something I probably won’t have to do when I get back to work by someone who wasn’t very good at teaching, out in a beige box in the darkest Thames Valley. Got tube to Paddington and then the train out west every day. But by Thursday day I was fed up of being stuck on the Circle line and decided to walk home from the station, via Oxford street, looking in a few shops spotted some nice boots in Evans, something I would have to look for next time I’m out as Helena. But I’m always on Oxford street, have to do something different. Friday, walk home, decide to try an avoid Oxford street and try to steer towards Euston Road, but I didn’t know the streets around there so well, and it was dark, and my mind was elsewhere, so when I turned a corner and found myself back on Oxford Street again, I was slightly miffed. The place seems to be a magnet to me, sad.

The reason the mind was elsewhere, was that it was planning the weekend. What to wear, what to wear, well I had to try and wear some of those coloured tights I keep buying, I had a top to match, some black shorts and a black jacket that matched those, a bit bold, the top and tights where bright yellow, but I thought I could handle it. Jacket was a problem though, it never fitted right, around the waist, to baggy. But the buttons, IMHO weren’t in the right places, so I cut them off and sewed them back on where I thought they should go, pulling in the waist. Came out quite well, had to adjust the collar a bit, that didn’t look so tidy, but only to close inspection. Outfit sorted, but where to go that wasn’t Oxford street? Bluewater shopping centre came to mind, not sure why, but hell why not, haven’t been there before, its likely to have all the usual shops, including Evans for those boots, and it could be fun, so that’s the destination sorted.

Saturday, usual routine, tried on the outfit for the first time, and er no, it was to much, I couldn’t go out dressed like that to somewhere “normal” (it might of worked in Camden). Tone it all down, black opaque tights, denim shorts, longer black coat, a bit more anonymous, keep the yellow top mind. Will do coloured tights one of these days.

Not 100% happy with that outfit, but time was getting on and it would have to do. Jump on the tube to Charing Cross and the 11:02 Train to Greenhithe grabbing a latte and flapjack for the trip. The train seems to just trundle though endless south London suburbs, frequently stopping and never seeming to really get going, but I have a block of seats to myself, some coffee and the sun is shinning, so it’s actually a fairly pleasant trip. At Greenhithe it’s a 5 minute shuttle bus (packed, no seats :() ride to Bluewater. Well it’s a shopping centre surrounded by car parks, set in what looks to me like some sort of old quarry, OK not exactly scenic, but these sort of places never seem to be, inside was fortunately a bit nicer Still not got a huge need for shopping at the moment, to be honest I actually have pretty much all the clothes and cosmetics I need, and not a lot of the current fashion offerings seem to impress. But couple of items did find there way into my bag, a particular bra from M&S that had been proving hard to find (plain beige and practical I’m afraid) , some lippy and eyeshadow from stall in the mall and a Clinique eyebrow liner from Boots (my old one had just ran out), Clinique girls in Boots offer me sweets as part of a valentines promotion, graciously accepted Also get a few chocs from Hotel Chocolate, I’d eaten 3, but when I went for the 4th later on, I realised I’d lost the bag with them in Doh! Oh well, better for the waistline, but they where so nice

Find Evans eventually, they have the boots I wanted, but not in my size So not exactly shopping till I dropped, though I did eventually lap the place two and a half times. It has 3 sides to it, one is fairly conventional, one more upmarket, one a little more down market. In the upmarket section there’s a section called the Village (I’m not a number, I’m a free woman (sometimes)) with some restaurants that look a bit better than the usual fast food outlets in the main food hall, so stop at “Abaco” for lunch, just a mushroom omelet and a glass of wine, but it’s all quite pleasant and civilised. Had really forgotten about being “dressed” by then, I was Helena, wandering around a shopping centre, normal, comfortable, got good service from the stores, and acceptance from other shoppers. But after I’d finished eating when the waiter asks me if I want to see the desert menu, I’m not sure, but he might of called me Sir, I didn’t hear clearly, he probably didn’t and he had definitely Madam’ed me earlier. But its weird how something little like that can knock your confidence a bit and you end up a bit more self conscious, and when you are self conscious, others pick up and start to notice you. So when I’m walking back this little girl walking with her Dad in font of me, keeps turning around to look, other’s probably spot me as well, but fortunately no one finds the need to make a fuss.

Time to go, I’d been there about 3 hours, long enough. Back to the bus station, show my rail ticket to the driver as it included a free bus transfer. Driver informs me I have to get another type of ticket though, but then he leads me off the bus to the ticket machine and shows me what buttons to press to get the transfer ticket (and I don’t have to pay), which was nice of him. Quick bus ride (with the right ticket now) back to the station and jump on a train back to town. As the train trundles back, I still want those shoes, so think where’s an Evans in Central London :- Oxford street, dam, well I was trying to avoid that, but they have two branches, one at the Marble arch end, the other in the Plaza. Back to Charing Cross, and tube to Marble Arch. But Marble Arch Evans don’t have those boots in my size either, bugger. Console myself with a lap of Primark, and come out with a few bits and pieces.

Feet are staring to protest now, so jump on a bus up the street, it’s only marginally faster than walking due to traffic but less effort. Stop just before the 2nd branch in the Plaza and pop into that new (ish) American Apparel store (I think its there only a few branches in the UK) . It’s different, all Lycra and solid colours, not exactly following current trends. Find a polo necked long sleeve Lycra dress that should work, they come in a wide range of colours, but am boring and take it in grey, size large. Shop assistant reckons large is UK size 12-14, so it which should fit, plus it’s stretchy anyway. Don’t try it on in the store, it would have been a bit difficult to get on and off without covering it in makeup, waited till I got home instead. Ohh very nice, very figure hugging, slinky and feminine, I like, might have to get another one, in a bright colour.

And finally I’m at Evans in the Plaza, and yes they do have the boots in my size, and they do fit, phew, out with the plastic. I go all that way to Bluewater, back to Marble arch, and end up here, about 4 miles from home and they do have what I wanted. Oh well. Celebrate shopping success with a Milkshake. Fall back into pattern and visit the supermarket and (very crowded) bus home. OK I tried to do something different today, but is it my fault they didn’t have the right size in stock? Note to self, really try to do something different next week.

Feet up and eat at home, veggie sushi and fruit salad (does it still count as fruit salad if its 95% strawberries ) No meat today, actually as Helena I find going veggie easier, don’t know why. But it’s not over just yet, had been talking to Vicky Martin of Elephant Shelf during the week via Roses PM, they where trying to drum up support for a “Battle of the Bands” type gig they have up coming which relies on audience vote. It’s in the Purple Turtle in Camden on February 27th, a mid weeker, but I reckon I’ll make it. Vicky says it’s best if I purchase a ticket for the event from them, plus it’s cheaper than buying on the door, so I agree and suggest meeting them at their gig in the Kings Head to complete the transaction. OK I’ve seen the Shelf at the Kings Head 3 times before, so again, falling into the pattern, but it’s a good local night out and I have a ticket to buy, plus Blue water, Blues band, some sort of theme going on Change outfit, keep the yellow top (well its hard to get polo necks on and off when fully made up), but switch to a denim skirt, shinier tights, those new boots and a leather jacket, bit more Rock and Roll. Skirt is quite short but shouldn’t be too much for Islington on a Saturday night.

Another crowded bus ride and I make it to the pub as they start the first set. Decide to bring the big camera along to see what it’s like in the low light of the pub. Manage to get some shots, some with and some without flash, the without flash are a bit blurry but reasonable acceptable, with flash ones are sharper, but lack the warmth of the natural light. But with and without work out better than the pics I usually get with the compact.

It’s pretty packed and the crowd are up for it, but I’m the only Tgirl in the audience (I’m aware of) though. Gets a bit rowdy though, one guy comes up and shakes my hand and tries to tell me something, later in the interval he bends Vicky’s ear for a bit (manage to get my ticket afterwards). Another tries (I’m not very communicative) to engage me in conversation, about the band, my camera before finally telling me I had lovely eyes. Not sure if he realised what I was. Latter yet another guy, who seemed to be really into the music, but was being a bit of an arse (and fairly drunk), puts his arm around me, I turn away and he lets go, but he does mention to all and sundry that I’m a geezer, but no one seems to react. A woman asks if I know the band, another asks about my camera. All this is a bit more attention than I’m used to really, get a bit shy and am pretty tired by now anyway, so find a corner to lurk in. Bloke tries to encourage me to come out to dance during the last number, but I decline. It’s late when the band finishes, they have the music licence sorted, so they played till about 1:30am when the bar staff say they have to stop. Wave goodbye to the band and make my way home, to pattern - getting chips from the late night kebab shop on the way.

I will do something different next week, I have to, and do it wearing brightly coloured tights.

Not been well this week, it all started on Tuesday, coming back from a meeting in another building, I kept my coat on, I was cold, couldn’t seem to get warm, all afternoon, I was cold, I went home early, forgoing the usual walk for the bus/tube. Still cold, and I also was sneezing, nose was running and coughing a lot. It just got worse on Wednesday, I just stayed home all day, in bed most the time, shivering and miserable dosed up on Lemsip

Got a bit better on Thursday, but still cold and coughing and sneezing. better still but not 100% on Friday so I worked from home. I don’t like being ill, and it’s very lonely and miserable being stuck in bed.

So by Saturday I was going a bit stir crazy and had to go out, wasn’t fully fit, the shivers had gone, but the coughing and sneezing still remained, but it had to be done, the Lemsip pills should keep going. What to wear? usually I’m well prepared and have worked out the clothes the night before, but this time, not so organised, so decided to keep it simple with polo neck, jeans an a leather jacket. But the zip on the jeans I wanted to wear would do up fully, oh, I had gained weight with the holiday and Xmas, diet is really back on. But even after taking my bum pads off it wouldn’t close fully, I think the zips a bit broke, Primark quality. Change of plan, while rummaging around for another pair of jeans, I spot my leather skirt. Of course I couldn’t wear that out, but it would be fun just to try on wouldn’t it. OMFG its tight, but it does fasten up, it was always tight but I don’t remember it being that bad. Diet Diet Diet. But it did look good, it did feel good, it matched the jacket and the boots and well was just that bit wow. But I couldn’t wear it for a daylight trips to the shops could I, it was far to over the top, very attenion seeking and tarty, too uncomfortable, would be to cold and not exactly practical. But it must of been the sickness affecting my faculties, or perhaps the medication I’d been taking messing with me, or the fact I’d exchanged a few emails recently with someone who likes leather or probably cause I’m just a tranny tart, dunno really, but some craziness got to me, I decided to wear it anyway. And I had to take pictures…

With all this faffing around I wasn’t out the flat until after 12. Walking down to the tube I was more nervous than usual, getting that comfortable feeling was going to be hard today.

But so far so good, no reaction from the public as I walk by, but oh oh, there a building site just before the station, forgot about that (I usually go to different station), and there where some workers knocking off for lunch. They don’t spot me until I pass, so they only get a look from behind, and what do builders do when they see a blonde in a leather mini skirt? Yes I got whistled at, and I don’t think they where being ironic. I decide not to make an issue, of it, yes they where being sexist, but I didn’t want to find out what there reaction would be if they realised what exactly they had just whistled at.

Find my seat on the tube, pretty girl in here twenties opposite notices me and shoots daggers. I had this look from a few girls during they day. Normally when girls of that sort of age spot me they are usually fine, sometimes they even smile. But not in this case, not I think I had exceeded her Tart factor. The Tart factor is a theory of mine, it’s basically when an outfit has gone to far and makes a woman say, “I wouldn’t wear that, it would make me look like a tart”, then here tart fact has been exceeded, usually because the outfit is it’s to short, too skimpy, too tight etc and looks like you are not long dressing for yourself or to impress over women, to be fashionable or comfort or of the other usual reasons women chose particular clothes, but are dressing simply impress men, a thus a tart. Of course the factor is different for every woman, and not even consistent among individuals as it also depends on situation and mood. But a leather mini skirt and high heeled boots for day time shopping pretty much exceeds the tart factor of an estimated 98% of the female population. Trannies, of course, often have much higher tart factors (and some just want to be tarts) but this outfit was even pushing mine (and I didn’t actually want to attract men). I had paired with thick woolly tights and the boots where quite clumpy and this did tone it down a bit, but obviously not enough.

While changing onto the Central line, I start to see a different reaction from the males. More heads are turning, Though I suppose a several saw something they wheren’t quite expecting when they got there better look. This is all more attention than I’m used to, but well I’m out now and just have to grin and bear it, at least nobody had made an issue of it. Dressing to blend in does have a lot to recommend it if you want an easier time. Also realise I’m wearing one Primark glove and one Next one, oops.

Get to Queensway in one piece, still not quite myself yet though. Why Queensway, well, er I just hadn’t been here for a while. Hrmmm, has the number of tourist tat places increased? its looking a bit shabbier than I remember and there’s not that much to see.

So I just hurry on down to Whiteleys only stopping at a couple of places.

Again somewhere I hadn’t been for a while, and they have some better shops, but it looks like there are undergoing a bit of a refurb and several units are empty. It’s pretty quiet for a Saturday afternoon, so it’s easy to navigate and I have my nosy around. But apart from a few may bee’s in H&M nothing grabs, and that overly tight skirt is suppressing any urge to eat, so don’t spend long. Make a pit stop in a quiet corner to check the makeup and hair and find a photo opportunity.

I have to stop doing that bandy legged pose. Whiteleys a nice place really, I hope the refurb brings back a bit more life, but I guess the whole area suffers as a retail destination as Oxford Street is just down the way. People are still noticing me but it’s getting more comfortable now, walk back towards Queensway station and jump on a east bound bus and I’m back on Oxford Street in a few minutes.

The bag failure a couple of weeks ago meant I lost a pair of rather funky tartan tights, so I wanted to go back to Primark to get another pair. Found them and picked up another couple of pairs of brightly coloured tights. Why do I keep buying brightly colour tights? I never wear them, I have half a dozen packets of them at home unopened Right, have to make an effort to wear them and stop just doing monochrome! Start to drift into my usual pattern on Oxford street -Primark, Evans, Dotty P, Newlook, M&S, Selfridges, H&M, Zara etc. Nice spot behind the stairs in New Look begs for a photo.

Find a red shirt in another branch of H&M and buy, been after a long sleeved red shirt for a while, really wanted a satin one, but can’t find one anywhere, so the plain will have to do. Now I’ve bought it, I’ll of course see a better one any moment Nothing else seems demand to be bought, I’m not really in the zone.

Then realised I am in that pattern, I tried to go somewhere different this time, but ended up back in all the usual places, dressed in black too Turn off down south Molton Street and head towards Bond street. I wasn’t really in the mood for shopping, so might as well browse things I can’t afford

Stop in Fenwicks, as well I’ve never been in there before, but I’m not impressed, it’s all a bit staid, much prefer Selfridges. They aren’t to impressed by me either, even the cosmetic concessions ignore me. Carry on down Bond Street, to honest I’m to intimidated to go into the big name shops, I just look in the windows, Dolce and Gabbana is particularly impressive.

Also impressive are some of the shoppers, they say you can’t be to rich or two thing, well some of the Bond street patrons are certainly trying to. Cary on down to Piccadilly. Slightly hungry now and reckon I can manage a cappuccino and cheese croissant, so when I get a hot chocolate and cheese croissant from Pret. I’m slightly surprised, I know I speak softly in Helena mode but does chocolate sounds like cappuccino? But I don’t make a fuss (coward!) and the hot chocolate warms me up anyway.

Next stop if Fortnum and Mason’s for a nosy around the food hall. I need to do shopping, but decide to wait until I get to Tesco’s. But I like these upmarket food halls, just to look, smell and try and score on free samples

Wandering up Piccadilly I’m staring to flag, it’s getting cold and dark and the nose is starting to run and I’m coughing. So last stop is Tesco’s on Haymarket for food for Sunday. Ok Tesco’s in a leather miniskirt and high heeled boots at 5:30pm is perhaps pushing it, but I kind of got into it now and wandered around without a care, a few shoppers looked but most where quite blasé about it. Shop staff where totally fine to. In fact no worries from shops all day, Ann Summers on Queensway where very friendly, Madamed in French Connection Whitelyes, Barratts where earger to help and a girl on the Benefit counter in Selfridges wearing even more makeup than I was gave me the hard sell on their new blusher So even exceeding the T (tart/tranny/both) factor of most, acceptance was still high. London, like wotever init. Bus home with my shopping and change into something warmer and more comfy.