Please don’t touch cause I’m shaking so much

Dashed home form work on Friday (even ran for the train carrying a laptop) , shave, change (sort of punk school girl look with a little skirt, socks, and a leather jacket) , slap, touch up slap and I’m ready by oh 9ish. Going out on a Friday night, new thing, but tranny time this weekend was going to be limited, so try to make the most of it. Phone home, Sunday isn’t actually good time for me to visit, and well if I’m dressed tonight (with far to much eye makeup, but hey, rock’n'roll) I needed Saturday to clean up and do domestic stuff, so visit was canceled for this weekend and put back for a couple of weeks, me mum isn’t exactly over the moon But well I’m dressed, so it’s off out.

Wander down to the Kings Head pub (theatre bar actually) in Islington, not to far, even in heels, to see Elephant shelf, get there for about 10, but since the shelf are musicians and also have a couple of T* in the band they are even later than usual starting and the music doesn’t commence until about 10:30, so I sort of just hang around till then with a beer (Bacardi Breezer just isn’t rock’n'roll ;)). Even in boy mode, never mind fem, I feel a bit awkward just hanging around alone in a pub, so I was a bit unsure, a few other indicated on a post on Roses that they would be coming down tonight, but there’s no sign, so I’m the only TG around (well in the audience) and I feel a bit self conscious, but Diana and Vicky (in the band) give me a wave and I just wait it out, SEP is holding and no one says a word.

Music starts and it all gets better. To start with there are a few groups of people (lads mainly) just ignoring the band and chatting away downing pints, but the band know what they are doing and the end of the second set, everyone is watching and there is even dancing in the isles (yep me included). Chatted to Vicky (vocals and lead guitar) and Diana (keyboard and violin) a bit in the interval between the sets and found out a bit mode about them and the band. Elephant shelf are a hard working blues band that play regular pubs and clubs, they just happen top have  a couple of the members who are transgendered that’s all, they don’t play on that as a gimmick or just play TG venues and events, good :), I’ll see them again. The set is a mix of blues, Rock’n'Roll and Rythm and blues, with a mix of standards and their own original material all played with skill and gusto, a good pub band. The start the 2nd set with “All along the watch tower”, which is a weird bit of syncronicity to last week’s post (that won’t make sense unless you have seen the last episode of BSG season 3).

Only bad point, its a rather small pub and the band play in a corner, so to watch them you stand in a direct line between the loo’s and the door, so every few seconds you are jostled by someone who needs the toilet, or to go side for a smoke or use their mobile, not ideal, and fairly drunk people rarely respect personal space. Leave after the 2nd set, it’s late and I’m tired and hot (the leather jacket and the hat was slightly over dressed), stop at the 24 hour shop for stuff for breaky on the way. The Kings Head is a straight pub with a young and young at heart crowd, was perfectly accepting, a few people looked my way, but no one felt the need to comment on the oddly dressed 6′ tranny in the crowd and the band was just a regular band. Did get some attention on the way there and back though, got bipped and a hey baby a couple of times and a guy said I had great legs advantage of wearing a little tartan skirt like that is none notices you face get to bed quite late.

Saturday, up early, can’t sleep, must of only had 4 hours. Was planning to do chores today, but with the trip back to Lincs canceled there was no need, what was I going to do? well just one night out wasn’t enough, so it’s Helena time again. But the face didn’t like it, trying to closely shave again after doing so recently resulted in a lot of cuts and razor burn, ouch (Lazer one of these days?). Dressed simply in yet another black polo neck and jeans. Tried something different with the makeup, had being using a coral pink MAC paintstick under the foundation to cover up the beard shadow recently, but this week I tried adding some extra pink to that paint to make a more natural, less orangy colour. This actually looked OK on its own , so I just applied powder foundation over the top of that to set it, instead of Studio Tech, seemed to work, will experiment further with this approach, I think I can just get away with powder (MAC sheer select) over the paint for a natural look.

Took a pic or two, but noticed the camera was nearly out of juice, so popped it on charge and went to the local Budgens for weekend food. Lots of blokes in red shirts hanging around, rats is there football today? Get back and check, yes there is, damm, not my favourite people football fans, so wait it out until the match starts before heading towards the tube.

Ride to Turnpike lane, plan was to wander down wood green to Shopping City (local shopping mall), hit a few shops and catch a film, latest Tarantino flic. Wood Green isn’t exactly the most upmarket area of London, and was a little nervous of going there on a busy Saturday afternoon, but so far so good. Actually its a pretty good area for shops, A few independents and some slightly downmarket chains like Krisp and Atlantic, plus the usual H&M, Peacocks, TK Maxx, Next, Dotty P’s etc, plenty of pretty glam and shinny stuff but still quite cheap, just like me really Find a white shrug and white cropped denim jacket (yet another cropped jacket!) for very little and OHHH some groovy pull on boots with a mid heel in PriceLess shoes that actually fit (size 9) and only £20, woot. OK they are not leather, just synthetic and I doubt they will last, but they are just the thing for a particular outfit I have in mind.

Get to the mall and cinema, and the film (”Death Proof”) is going to start in 10 minutes, but I haven’t seen all the shops yet, and if I see the film , they will all have closed when I get out. Oh well see it another day, get an iced vanilla coffee and hit the rest of the shops. See cute pixie boots in Barratts, but they don’t have the big sizes (they do on the web site) nowt in TX Maxx (can never find anything in there), get pretty Lacey blouse in an independent (are all the indies in Shopping city actually one big cartel, they all seem to stock exactly the same stuff) and some more make up and brushes in Boots in Superdrug (3 dazzle dust for a tenner ;)), browse a few more and I’m done. It’s getting late and the it’s sort of shifting towards a nighttime crowd, they don’t look quite as accepting, far to many trying to be “gangsta” and I see the police having to break up an argument, so it’s back to the tube. Back to my local station and had hoped the football crowds would of dissipated by now, but there’s quite a few still about, but get no reaction and stroll home. In fact reaction today had been very limited, the only comment I seem to have got was a chavette screeching loudly “Is that a man?” as I left SuperDrug, apart from that, no problem (and even then they where uncertain), there might of been more comments, but English seems to be very much a 2nd language around Wood Green, so if people did comment, I probably just didn’t hear as I didn’t understand it.

Evening, watch Babylon 5, eat and drink my wine and think about going out again to see the film, but then the lack of sleep finally catches up on me and I’m out like a light by mid evening. Sunday was a day of rest, just about managed to get m laundry done thats all.

Hope to see the Shelf again sometime, perhaps even next week (they are playing the Kings Head again next Saturday). If you get the chance to go see, please do, a good time is guaranteed.

Wasn’t actually going to dress on Saturday, just pop out on Sunday instead, as during the week my sister gave birth to a baby boy (7 pounds something, mother and baby doing well), so I’m an uncle (auntie?) again, I was instead going to go up to Lincolnshire to visit, but unfortunately I haven’t been feeling well all week, even had a couple of days off work, all I will say is “bowels” and that’s probably too much information. I have been getting better, but not 100% (physically, mentally is something else), so it was decided on Friday night (by my mum) that it wasn’t I good idea for me to visit a newborn if I had some kind of bug. So Saturday morning, I’m bored, so sod it, Helena time. It’s later than usual now and I hadn’t prepared, so it’s just a quick clean up, shave, throw on a polo neck sweater and jeans and plaster on some slap and I’m out the flat by 12:30ish

Did have a few things I wanted to get, had been fairly good this month (had put extra in the savings account as well), it was payday next week and I still had a bit extra left to play with There was this leather jacket I had spotted in Topshop I liked, it wasn’t cheap but I thought what the hell (there was also this yellow one in Karen Millen too, but at £300, that was just slightly too much). That was in Oxford Street, but I wanted to pop to Walthamstow first. Sun was shinning, slightly too warm for a black polo neck perhaps, but a nice to be in the sunshine all the same. Tube is working (mostly) for a change, so take that up to E17. Destination Doreen’s, wanted another pair of padded pants (hip and bum), have one pair already (and was wearing them), but they are black, and they show under white clothes, so wanted a more neutral coloured pair. Got em and Doreen’s are fun as usual; still need the large size though sigh.

Wandering back towards the tube, and well I’ll just have a look around the shopping centre, can’t hurt can it. A cropped green jacket and high waist denim shorts from Atlantic, £16, bargain, saw a GG wearing a similar combo on Friday night with black opaque tights and she looked traffic stopping, it won’t have the same effect for me, but should be fun, need some new boots to go with though. Another shop,  “Krisp”, hadn’t seen that one before, oh, oh leather biker jacket, just like the TopShop one, but much cheaper (and still real leather, just not quite as soft as the more expensive ones). Size 14 fits best (dam my wide shoulders) and it’s mine. Actually they have lots of nice stuff, mostly in black and sliver, will have to visit again. Keep shopping, well now since I’ve saved all that cash on the jacket pickup some concealer in SuperDrug. Was looking for a black waistcoat, they are in at the moment, I have one, but it’s not quite perfect, it doesn’t fit so well and it won’t iron. Try on loads, but none fit right. For something tailored like that I think I need one from a tall range. Wander though the market and the little shops that line it. Find another little cropped jacket (OK, I have a weakness for jackets) sort of khaki, only a fiver, so get on impulse.

Like the market, colourful, bright and buzzy and a good mix, shopping centres can be a bit bland sometimes (I think I’ve said this before haven’t I). But time to head back west, get on the tube. So far it’s been a pretty good day, accepting too, got an “Excuse me mate” in a shop, but that’s about it, Walthamstow is really diverse area and a tranny just adds to the mix. Since it’s the end of the line I found an empty carriage of the tube and settled in for trip to Oxford Street. But a girl (fairly young and pretty) gets on just before it leaves. She hands me a leaflet, I just sort of nod, it has something about Heaven and Hell on it, just stuff it my bag. As the train starts moving she tells me a few times, “it doesn’t have to be this way” and is quite smiley. I think she said some other stuff, she doesn’t speak loudly and the train is noisy, it doesn’t really register and I do my 1000 yard stare into space ignoring her (well practiced is this stare). Another stop or two and the carriage start to fill up. She hands more leaflets to people. Three rather loud girls get on, they’re having a bit of laugh, there’s only two seats left, so one of them tries to sit on her friend’s lap and their other friend makes a joke about them being lesbians and says that’s OK because “This is London and anything goes” (a girl after my own heart). But all this gets a bit much for the girl who was handing out leaflets and trying to tell me it didn’t have to be this way, (what way exactly?) and she gets up and gives the whole car a sermon. We all have to let Jesus Christ into our lives and stop sinning or we are going to Hell, oh, I now get those leaflets, bugger, 1000 yard start is up to about 50,000 yards now. Then she points out the sinners in the train, the two “Lesbian” girls and then points at me, “And a man dressed as a woman”. Ouch! I squirm and sink into my seat, 1000,000 yard stare now, Christian fundy girl please, please go away and pray or something. She continues her sermon (not directed directly at me thank the flying spaghetti monster) and it becomes a bit of a rant, people are cajoling her now and she gets a bit confrontational. But fortunately she finishes and gets off next stop, phew. Everyone starts talking about her (odd for a tube, people are usually quiet), several people are laughing, a few are complaining about her particular brand of Christianity, but no one says a word to or even really looks at me. We get to Oxford Circus and the God botherer is still the talk of the car as I alight in peace. Perhaps they waited until I got off, but from what I could see preaching religion is a far worse social faux-pas on the tube than cross dressing But someone did make a good point, if she had been preaching the Koran we would off shat ourselves. Perhaps I should of pointed out the fact I was wearing technically unisex clothing, the bible only forbids men to wear “woman’s” clothes, (Deuteronomy 22:5 ) not dressing as a woman (being pedantic here) and it’s up there with other such heinous sins as wearing mixed fibres (Leviticus 19:19) and eating shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12), or the passages that are OK with slavery (Deuteronomy 15:12-15; Ephesians 6:9; Colossians 4:1), to me the old testament doesn’t really make much sense in the 21st century (infact organised religion doesn’t make any sense to me), or perhaps I should carry around a copy of the “God Delusion” and hand that out to people like this, but no, it’s not worth the stress and people do have a right to there own belief systems (and I’m too much of a coward). I just wish more of them just respect the fact that others might not want to share their beliefs. But well I suppose it livened up a normally dull tube journey and no harm was done. For the rest of the day, I don’t hear another negative word about me.

Don’t need to go to TopShop now as I have a jacket, so head into Soho, MAC stop for more powder and paint (very busy that afternoon, takes ages to get served) I’m going to try a pinkier under colour, of the one I’m using make me look too orange, see gorgeous dress in Miss 60, but I’m not feeling that flush. Light lunch then check the film times in Leicester square.

But the film I want to see (”Shoot em up”) isn’t on for a while and I could do with the loo (as I said earlier, “bowels”) so decide to skip that. Few more shops up Covent Garden way, still can’t find a waistcoat that fits properly, quick supermarket sweep for food for Sunday from M&S, stop in Forbidden Planet to get the latest Stargate SG1 DVD, but they don’t have it!, so its over to Virgin Megastore, they do and they have the new Babylon 5 DVD as well. Shopped out now, bus home.

Spent the rest of the evening with microwave low calorie curry, a bottle of wine and Battlestar Galatica season 3 while trying on the purchases. Shorts are nice and go really well with that first green jacket (only had the nerve to try on the jacket in the shop, shorts would off required to much disrobing), perhaps I could of gone down to a 10 though (show off). Try on the khaki jacket, tight across the chest, but I think its meant to be that way, no so good with the sorts but matches a pair of combats I already have, but, bugger, it’s missing a button on the sleeve, you get what you pay for, will find a button later and sow it on. Leather Jacket is timelessly cool, goes great with jeans, might have to try and get leather ones to match for a 50’s rocker look.

Will probably visit my new nephew next week.

I was going to call this next section “a geek in review” but Will Wheaton beat me to it. Perhaps I will just call it “Will Wheaton beat me to it” instead

Battlestar Galactica season 3
Been working my way though the DVD’s this week, it starts out dark, very dark, suicide bombing, religion, terrorism, and that’s just from the “good” guys. Sometimes, for an SF series it get, more relevant, and political that regular contemporary drama’s, perhaps cause it’s set in “outer space” it can get away with stuff that’s actually quit close to the knuckle. OK a few of the episodes seem a bit “filler” being more character than plot driven, but all in all, a V good series, and I’m looking forward to season 4. Highly recommended, but then if you are a BSG fan you already have watched this, but if you aren’t give the mini series a go, it’s a world away the original 80’s series and even if you don’t normally like SF, just think of it being a drama set on an aircraft carrier

Early in the series, Starbuck has longer hair, not totally dissimilar to mine (well my wig anyway), and thinking about it, the Colonial off duty outfit, sleeveless grey top with the black vest over it, khaki combats and combat boots, well I have some boots like that, have combats, maybe they’re a bit bling, but I can find some more suitable ones, grey sleeveless top is no problem, and the black vest, hrmm perhaps I can find a racer back and wear it backwards. Someone must sell BSG octagonal dog tags, and then it’s a mater of trying to paint on that Viper pilot tattoo on my arm. I think it’s doable, will have to lookout for the bits, but it would be a fun costume to try, Katee Sackoff has bigger muscles than me though.

The Dreaming Void
Peter F. Hamilton (Rutland’s more popular SF author) is getting better, I wasn’t that keen on his earlier stuff, but he is improving and his latest proved to be quite a page turner. It’s set “Commonwealth” universe, following on from, Pandora’s Star and Judas Unchained) but 1500 years on from them, but this a great problem what with near immortality being one of that universes foundation and several characters from the earlier books pop up again. Multiple characters weaving multiple plots thread all going on at once, as seems to becoming the norm in big SF, you can see how they will connect, its complex, but manageable, enjoyably readable and moves along at an acceptable pace. One plot thread actually reads more like a reasonable fantasy novel than an SF one, and could even work stand alone. Definitely one for someone who likes big SF, not a totally plausible piece of speculative fiction, gritty cyber punk or an idea barrage set to mind fuck, it’s a bit space operaish really, a guilty pleasure of mine I guess. Only when I got 2/3rds of the way through I realised there wasn’t enough pages to finish all the threads that had been started (and it’s a 600 page door stop), check the front page, oh dam, it’s only the 1st in a trilogy. Probably have to wait another couple of years to get to the conclusion Arrggg! only real downside.

Shoot em up
Saw this on Sunday en bob, you get the hint from the title, and certainly get the message from the trailer this is not a deep emotionally charged piece with complex character development and layers of meaning, it’s a big stupid flashy film with guns and tits in it. Clive Owen plays Mr. Smith, a character so hardboiled he can kill with just a carrot and only speak in one liners, who mows down the faceless mooks by the shed load without breaking sweat, Monica Bellucci provides most of the aforementioned tits (actually crucial to the plot would you believe) and actually acts a bit to, plus her corset, leather skirt and boots outfit is tranny tastic. There is a silly plot and some dialogue, but its really only there to link together the action set pieces. But those pieces are pretty good, and in away, its quit artfully shot, lots of bleak shadowy industrial spaces in a limited palette, that coupled with the almost of a sort of sparseness to it all, gives quite an unreal air to it, which suits it’s video game inspired motif to a T. Disengage brain and go a long for the ride, it does exactly what it says on the tin and is fine entertainment for those of us who like this sort of thing. Not exactly girly though.

Age of Armour

American spelling! This another MMORPG in beta, set in an anime styled SF universe with big mecha and wot not hitting things over and over again. It’s a bit pants really, badly translated from its original Chinese with very poor animation, documentation and virtually everything else, play is confusing and feels very wooden, simplistic, buggy and unresponsive. I think its one of theses item shop games, where the game is free but you purchase add ones and buff for your characters with real cash, and to be competitive, you really need to. Perhaps there is more depth there when you get into it and there is a little flair in some of the character modelling, but that’s about it. Not really recommended.

Not at 100% yet though, but I probably wasn’t all there to begin with anyway.

The story goes sort of like this…

She contacted me via a forum PM a single GG who actually likes trans, would you belive, she had seen me in a club, but was a bit shy about approaching me then, we exchanged messages, eventually met up, talked, met up again, talked more, then I went to visit her, we talked, then she took my hand, then later on that evening, on the sofa, she kissed me (and no it didn’t go further than that). This sort of confused both of us, and we decided to remain just friends. Problem is I’m hugely inexperienced with relationships, even just friendships, your real Billie no mates due to my shyness, distinct lack of social skills and generally a fairly abrasive personality, so this sort of left me more than a bit confused. Anyway back to the plot, after that we talked more on the phone and messenger, met up a couple more times and seemed to be quite close for a while, but over the last couple of months, we haven’t met, and when we did talk it was often brief with she telling me how tired and busy she was. But she wasn’t exactly being a hermit, she was out there meeting other people and going out. I know this because she did tell me snippets and posted related things on web sites I frequent, like Rose’s and Flickr.

I got jealous, paranoid, but mostly stupid, I felt I was loosing her, couldn’t trust her and, being pushed to one side for younger prettier, more fun and interesting people (not hard to find). Whether this was actually the case, probably not, and since we where “just friends” I had no right to be jealous anyway, but in my messed up little head things went wrong. I comment

I made on a Flickr stream was taken badly, this started a downward slide, I made a fateful phone call the night before we where going to actually meet up again to explain my feelings. At the time I was slightly drunk but still mostly stupid, I tried to explain the way I felt and it all went horribly wrong. She got angry and accused me of stalking her, being paranoid, invading her privacy and scaring her. Things I had definitely no right to do, Phones where turned off quickly and I cried a bit. I had blown it completely and lost a friend, and I don’t have many of those. Of course I didn’t go to visit her the next day, she had made it clear I wasn’t welcome. Instead I tried to put some distance between us to make sure I wasn’t being a stalker and try not to upset her any further, physically that easy as we live a fair distance apart anyway, but online required a it more, I deleted an account on a site we frequented, minimised my presence on another couple, deleted her email addresses and phone number and uninstalled messenger and generally went quiet. Couldn’t dress that weekend, it just didn’t feel right, I just sort of wandered around in a bit of daze and tried to do stuff like house work to take my mind of it. That was about 3 weeks ago. I’m sorry, I really am.

It has weighed very heavily on my mind, I don’t want to upset anyone ever, though I often do I sent an apology a week later, a week is a long time to wait, but I didn’t want to appear stalkerish again., I got a terse yet fairly ambiguous reply a week after that and then we spoke briefly online a few days ago, but it was brief and very cold, she wants to remain at a distance. We are never going to get back to where we were.

This seems to be part of a pattern I have with my interactions with women. It goes something like this, stage one, we first meet, she susses I’m a bit odd right away, but is generally warm, pleasant and nice and even very occasionally, there maybe even a bit a of flicker of something more. But then stage two, I mess up, say or do the wrong thing, she realises I’m damaged goods and goes cold. Dealings from then on are usually impersonal and business like, If we communicate it’s because we have to, usually due to work, there’s a database problem that she needs fixing or something like that. Stage 3 can happen much later, it doesn’t always, after repeated business like interactions (usually due to database problems again), she slowly realises that yes I am a bit odd, damaged goods even, but actually am quite harmless, and will warm up a bit, make small talk and even socialise with me, but it is never that close, I’m just a casual acquaintance. The movement from stage one to two can happen in as little as thirty seconds, but stage 3 usually takes months, and that usually only happens because we work in the same office. The case above is a bit odd, I’m definitely at stage 2 now, but stage 1 lasted months, longer than ever before. This is possibly because she knew I was trans from day 1 (she first saw me in the WOC in a mini skirt, dancing by myself, now she realises why I was dancing alone) and has knows people like us are sometimes a bit flaky (to say the least). Unfortunately since we are so distant and she doesn’t have a database she needs me to fix, stage 3 is unlikely to happen, trying to force interaction will seem like a stalking attempt.

I’ll try to move on a bit, time does heal and she has said she doesn’t hate me.

Life does go on (and so do cliches), and Helena has needed her time to, that is still a a part of me that won’t go away, in fact it’s almost at the point where I’m just as comfortable in both modes (apart from the shoes). I have been out 4 times since, just to relatively safe places like the West End and Camden, nothing to adventurous. I won’t bore you all with the detailed blow by blow, but where are a few high and low lights, and of course, pictures.

Saturday 26th August

Just popping down the West End. Dressed in high waist jeans, slightly frilly blouse, brown boots and the denim jacket I got in Manchester when I went to Sparkle. The jacket and jeans don’t quite match but are close enough. The boots, my favourites and although they fit quite well have a 9cm heel, which is hard work after a while. It was sort of a retro military look, but in denim, fashionable? don’t know, but I liked it and they say the “Warrior Woman” look is in for AW2007.

Got out quite early and hit Oxford street before the crowds, the sun was shinning. Wanted to have my nails done professionally for the first time, tried Selfridges as I was extremely impressed by Jennifer Dee’s nails (met her at Sparkle), she had hers done in Selfridges Manchester, so I reckoned their London store would be a good bet. But they where all booked up for the day Little more wandering, Primark, had to go around the whole store twice before I found a particular skirt I was looking for, eventually found it, a mid length black one, slightly combat Gothic, matched a New Look Jacket I already had. Also bought another skirt, a slightly outrageous purple suede mini. Not sure why, I still don’t think I was thinking straight. In fact I was pretty distracted, the whole episode above was still very much on my mind, so much so I was fairly unselfconscious all day, and so don’t recall even getting a comment or stare, but it was Oxford street.

Wandered past Debenhams and see they have a nail bar, enquire on the off chance and yes they can fit me in. It went very well, they where very accepting, and we chatted away, total girl, I did fall for there sales pitch a bit and ended up buying some of there products though, but a guess 3 varnishes, a top coat, a file and a buffer for a tenner isn’t bad (special offer). Afterwards my nails looked better than they have ever done (before or since), they had an almost glass like finish. This was possibly the girliest experience of my life, so Nail’s Inc in Debenams Oxford street is highly recommended, unless perhaps you are looking for somewhere discrete, it’s located right by a big plate glass window next to Oxford street. More shops, pic taken round the back of Boots.

Lunch was pizza in the Plaza, hang the diet, few more shops and that was Oxford street done, Feet hurt, damm those 9cm heels (that look so good). Didn’t want to go home just yet, football was on and I wanted to time my journey home to when the red shirted masses where safely in their stadium and not wandering around the streets, so waited it out in Starbucks for  a bit before jumping on a bus. A good day really, got my nails done, found the stuff I wanted, and It was in hindsight, actually rather pleasant, only negative point I guess where a couple of surly servers at fast food places, who seemed to think it is a bit beneath them to actually give a customer what they asked for. But I often get this in Bob mode too, it’s just London.

Tuesday 28th of August

Spent the rest of that weekend and the bank holiday sorting out my flat a bit, again as a distraction really, I wasn’t going to get a visitor now. It’s now well slightly less of a pig sty then it was, but there is still a way to go. Bit of excitement down my street with a small fire, 3 fire engines and police turned up, didn’t seem to be much damage though and I don’t think anyone was hurt.

Had the following 2 days booked off work, Tuesday was planned as another Helena day. Decided to do something a bit different and Gothed it up a bit, with that skirt I bought on Saturday, stripes, lace and far to much eye makeup, I was planning to go to Camden, so I thought it would help blend in The skirt is mid length, unusual for me, haven’t worn one like this before and I’m usually a bit wary about skirts in daytime, but it seemed to work, was pretty modest and very comfy.

Hit the West End first though, DVD (Stargate Atlantis) from Forbidden Planet, then a wander through Covent Garden and Soho. Went into MAC, all the staff seemed to want to help, perhaps because hey could see I was wearing half a pound of slap. Skater boi in Neal’s yard spots me and exclaims “What the fuck is that shit”, because I’m trans, a goth or both?

Lunch in Pret, trying to be healthy with a Salad, then blow it with a Raspberry and Dark Chocolate Milkshake type thingy from Godiva on Regents street (Gorgeous BTW), before getting a bus to Camden.

Camden, one of my favourite haunts, always stuff to see and usually very accepting (but on a Tuesday it’s not all open), though one bloke seemed to feel the need to shout “GEEZER” as I walked past. Was on the lookout for a necklace (a sort of “ethnic” shell one) to match an outfit I had planned for the following weekend, but couldn’t find exactly the right one. Saw a jacket to die for, but was rather pricey and didn’t fit so well, so didn’t buy that either, so a failure shopping side, but Camden is always worth a wander anyway.

They do appear to be closing a section of the Stables market off, I think it’s for redevelopment, I hope they don’t go to far with that sort of thing though, the place will loose some of its character. Visited Salisbury’s to get food before heading home, blast of cold air around my knees in the chilled food sections was a new experience. Headed towards the tube with my groceries, stopping at a newsagent to get an Alpen Bar, got a whole “hey beautiful lady” routine from the proprietor, could’t tell if he was taking the piss or not. Just before I got home I drop by a local office, 4 cans of Kronenbourg isn’t very girly, but I was thirsty and who says you have to be a cliche. Chatted to the girl serving a bit, all quite natural, just a customer chatting to a local shop keeper, the fact I was a gothed up tranny seemed irrelevant, nice
Home, watch my DVD for a bit, realise I forgot to get anything for Wednesday breaky, so head out again to a local bakery, still all dressed up. Group of teenage lads spots me, “That’s a goth” one explains, they agree on this, but then proceed to debate my gender, they where less sure on this, but then I’m confused about it too.

Had Wednesday off work to, but was bob turn for some fun, packed up the Snowboard and went to Milton Keynes. Half the slope was filled with freestyle equipment (mostly roped off), so I mainly stuck to the empty side, but then they roped that off halfway down for kids to go tobogganing, so everyone was forced to use the obstacle course down the right. Not great as I wanted to practice ridding switch (that should come naturally to someone trans ;)) and the wasn’t really enough room, so I just rode normally and tried some of the toys, went over a big table top ramp quite a few times, but always bottled it, speed checking, so I never got any air and tried to ride a box (well more of a table really), got on it and rode it, fluffed the landing and slammed. In fact I slammed quite a few times that day, often while trying to stop fast to prevent collisions, due everyone being forced into such a small area. Not really a great session, and felt really stiff the next could of days due to the falls, but I think I progressed a little.

Saturday 1st of September

Friday before I stopped in M&S on the off chance on the way home from work, and low and behold, just the sort of necklace I as looking for but couldn’t find in Camden. Got more supplies from the supermarket and went home to bake some cakes. Saturday, plan was to go to Picnic for Change, not sure why I decided to go, not exactly my sort of thing, all a bit worthy and political. Also it would be mostly people I didn’t known, that awkward social interaction thingy again. But it was a charity Trans event, something different and so well why not, try to contribute for a change. Dressed in those brown boots (on the principle I wouldn’t be walking much) and that denim jacket again, but pair them with a printed tee shirt, a long white skirt and that necklace. Not my usual sort of thing at all, I guess I have been experimenting with looks recently, but that’s part of the fun of being female, you can reinvent your image from day to day. Make up didn’t go on so well, third Helena day recently with only a few days in between each one and my face was complaining. Made sandwiches and packed crisps, wine, cakes, paper plates and stuff for the picnic, what with the rather demure outfit, it felt almost mumsy.

Tube to Knightsbridge and walked from there. Like the face, the feet where protesting a bit about being in heels again, but I made it, found the spot, laid out my blanket, added my food to the communal pile and opened a bottle of Rosé. I was one of the first to arrive, but more turned up throughout the day. It seemed to be mostly TS people, a significant number were FTM, did talk to a few people but it was a bit awkward as usual, especially as most people seemed to know each other and the conversations often moved toward politics and TS issues, all a bit above my head. Wine got to me in the end and I think I fell asleep.

Recovered, packed up my Tupperware, said my goodbyes and left around 5ish. I did feel a bit of a fraud, just being a Saturday girl when most there where TS, but I put money in the tin, people ate my food (well most of it, found I had burnt the cakes a bit) and I showed support I guess.

Wandered back to the tube, had a little looky in Harrods, Harvey Nicks and Zara, on the way (well I was in the area, might as well), but didn’t buy.

Certainly a different sort of day.

Saturday 8th of September

Decided I had to have that jacket I saw in Camden, I needed a frilly blouse to go with it also, and if I wore it with those trousers and those boots I already have, Bang, what an outfit. Attempted to figure out an outfit to wear on Thursday night to go shopping in, ended up with a sort of schoolgirlish/punk outfit that looked great, but then I realised it was far to much for daytime shopping, so that might be coming to a night club near you at some point instead. Had a rethink on Friday, and ended up with an old white sweater and skinny jeans combo instead that was much more practical (and modest), but still a little bit wow.

Off to Camden then, found the jacket. The biggest size they have (a 14) doesn’t quite fit, it’s to tight across the bust, but that’s adjustable, so I buy it anyway. Go into Cyberdog (I always go here, but usually just for the music), they have some area lit by UV, find my whole outfit glows wish I could of taken a pic, but they don’t allow photography in there. Lunch, Moroccan, lovely, but the chili sauce was eye watering and off to find the blouse. Find the perfect one in one of those Gothic Lolita places, but they only have it in “Medium”, which looks a bit small (it’s medium for a Chinese or Japanese girl, not a 6′ Caucasian biological male) . Look around elsewhere but there’s nothing as good, so go back and buy it, hoping I can get into it. Start taking pictures of neon signs for no adequetly explained reason.

After that I wander down towards the west end. Stop in that shop in Euston, just for a look see, haven’t been in it in ages, and never dressed before. It hadn’t changed, everything is still way overpriced, especially the breast forms, clothing is ghastly, wigs look quite nice though. Curiously, I don’t get the hard sell, I guess they could see I already had everything. keep heading south, right shoe has been hurting, stop and check, ah gel pad is in the wrong place, adjust and feet feel much better. Keep going towards the Brunswick centre (well they have a New Look) and run into a street party. Well it’s just a closed of street with a band, and stalls selling stuff, but its worth a gander. Pick up little free samples of Innocence smoothies and Waitrose organic beer and chocolate

Browse the shops in the Brunsnwick but nothing grabs, but then, oh shit, I only seem to have one carrier bag, it’s got the jacket in it, where’s the blouse? think think, where would I have put it down, well there was this little park I adjusted my makeup in near Mornington Crescent and the church steps I stopped to adjust my shoe near Euston. Walk back quickly towards Euston and phew there it is, where I left it. Thank you. Keep very good hold of both bags from then on.

Grab a bus this time towards Holburn and walk to Covent Garden, few more shops, pick up another makeup brush in Charles Fox, find quiet side streets for pictures.

Walking is getting graunchy, I’m scrapping my heels a lot, problem is, to get the width I need for my fat feet, I had to go to a size 10 with these shoes and they are actually a bit long, so they flop a bit. Later inspection of them showed I had worn off the plastic tip on the kitten heels and has actually grinding the steel core, hence all the noise. Those shoes probably need reheeling before I can wear them out again. General awkwardness and noise with the shoes lead to me being less natural than I can be, and probably was the reason I was clocked more than usual that day, but nothing aggressive, just people being a bit curious that’s all.

Supermarket stop (hey I like going to the supermarket dressed, it’s so “normal”) and then bus home.

Try on the jacket and the blouse with the jeans and boots, yes they just fit, maybe a different bra will reduce the bust a bit or perhaps I’ll just get some cheap chicken fillets and an A cup bra and use that? Blouse could do with slightly longer sleeves as well, but all in all the whole outfit looks wild, a bit fetishly (it’s mostly PVC and synthetic leather), flamboyant and gender ambiguous, ridicule is nothing to be scared of. Expect a photo session at some point in the near future.

Well that’s me brought me up to date, lost a friend (and several potential ones), am still pretty down, although there have been a few brighter intervals, my online activity will be limited for a while yet and I’m pretty much socially dead at the moment, but Helena time will continue, it has to, I don’t actually seem have much of a choice about that.