I have caused an an upset. I am not proud of what I have done and my motives where probably all wrong anyway, but I felt something had to happen, but I could of dealt with in a much much better manner.

Because of this I feel need to step back from the T* world for a bit, so my online activity, including this journal and my flickr stream, are going to go quiet for a while.

Weekend, was on call again so couldn’t go far, but Saturday daytime was mine, had plans, shopping (Saw a couple of new thing in Zara Autumn/Winter collection that are to die for and New look are now do size 9 wide fitting shoes :)), getting my nails done professionally for the first time, having a nice lunch then maybe catch an exhibition at a gallery (been feeling arty recently, see below) and then wander down the South Bank. Got up at 6, tranny grade shave and wandered into my kitchen to get a coffee while the moisturiser soaked in. Puddle by the refrigerator, that’s not a good sign fridge wasn’t getting cold and the ice in it was melting. There was rather a lot of ice (I hadn’t defrosted for a while, me bad). It wasn’t getting cold and the ice was melting, eventually all that ice would turn into water and end up on my floor, and probably through the floor to the flat below. Not good, not good at all. Plans for the day cancelled, had to nurse the fridge back to life and deal with the ice. When you are single and live alone, your fridge is a faithful friend though the good times and the bad, it’s source of comfort, where many of the good things in life come from (such as cold beer) so I the puddle was really a cry for help from an old friend I had taken for granted for too long. So powered it all down, ate or chucked the food that was about to/had spoiled and hacked away at the ice with a big knife. Since I was being domestic I took the opportunity for a big clean up and to do my laundry too. All unfortunately done in drab, there is a belief among a few of the T* folk that doing house work while dressed somehow makes it fun, I  don’t subscribe to this viewpoint, housework is never fun, and it’s something Helena just doesn’t do, she has another person to do that sort of thing for her, Bob (and he isn’t very good at it). Manged to use ice hacked of fridge to keep beer cold till it was time to drink it though Mid afternoon, all ice gone, fridge, microwave and most of the kitchen surfaces cleaner than they have been for a (long) while, washing up done, laundry done and beer drank. Power it all up, fridge makes encouraging noises, and starts getting cold again, Yippee Job done.

Can dress now, well it would of been a shame to waste a tranny grade shave. so bath, dress and makeup. Wear practically an inverse of what I wore a few weeks ago, black polo neck, white combats and new white combatty shrug type thingy whotsit from Primark, it’s practically a copy of the black one I bought in Manchester in June, they must be in fashion now if Primark are ripping them off. A colour flipped version of the outfit I wore when I was last on call appealed to my sense of symmetry.

Well since I had to chuck or eat all the food, didn’t have any left for dinner. so whats a girl to do? Go out for dinner of course Got the bus into Angel, Islington.

Decided to use my combat’s pockets and not take a bag, but my keys fall out on the (packed) bus, but a nice girl picks them up and hands them back to me. Dinned at Yo Sushi, I’ve done Yo before en femme albeit in a different branch. But I like it and there food comes to you on a conveyor, so there’s no awkward waiting about (always a problem when you are on your own, and doubly so when en femme). Restaurant is busy but they fit me in and I have my fill of wine, sushi, sashimi and rice, Lovely, not cheap but still lovely Dunno why people turn there nose up at raw fish, don’t knock it till you have tried it (bit like wearing woman’s clothes really ;)).

Don’t want to stay out late, can’t really if I’m on call anyway, so wander back home with a cappuccino and cake from Tinderbox.

So far, acceptance, nobody has said a word and both the restaurant and coffee bar where completely fine, Islington is usually a tolerant area, it’s not uncommon, for instance, to see same sex couples walking down the street hand in hand or being affectionate with each other. But there’s always a few, so on the way back I get a couple of comments , carry on regardless and strut my home through the evening crowds. Been a long day, had to drink up that beer didn’t I, plus had some wine with dinner and I’m ever so slightly gone So very early night. Too early, find myself wide awake at 3:30am, so mess with the pictures for a bit before nodding off again.

Sunday and work rings at about 7am with a problem panic and fret about for an hour trying to find a log or something that will tell me what has actually gone wrong, am new to support on this system and to be honest, don’t really know what I am doing. Admit defeat and call a colleague, in fact I think I woke him up he realises immediately, its not actually our problem and work should of actually called someone else! Call work back and explain, somebody else’s problem, but really have to hang around all day in case anything else goes wrong, so amuse my self with finishing off some pictures. Said I was feeling arty.

Been fiddling with these for a while, but declared them finished today. Two are coloured in Black and white pics for Colour Me Sick: The TG Self-Portrait Colouring-In Project . I chose those two to do as they caught my eye the most, plus they where grey scaled photo’s which would suit my style of painting as it sort of tends towards realism (Ok comic book “realism”) not wild abstraction and I liked their attitude, especially in Pandora’s pic. Colouring was done by hand painting below the original pic (tip: set layer blending mode on the B&W to multiply and paint on a layer below) with a few textures and generally fiddling about in the graphics package. Gave up painting with actual paint years ago.

Oh and there’s a black and white line drawing of well, me, based originally on a photo but manipulated and painted over into a sort of comic ink style. I did it a while ago, for that same colouring in project. No one has coloured me in yet though. The last pic is really just a simple photo collage of some of the pics on my flickr stream done for fun.

As well as the pictures, I also dabbled in the culinary arts. Since Alette (well I sort of helped a bit) baked a cake for my birthday I felt I should return the favour and bake her one. But I can’t really bake (cook or do anything useful in the kitchen really very well, as I said, not properly domesticated) and her birthday is next month, I decided to get some practice in, Eh Voila :-

All baked my my fair hand. Well I followed the instructions (designed for a 6 year old) on the packet anyway. Actually didn’t taste to bad. Fairy cakes Ahh cute, well dunno about that, I’m sure we used to call them butterfly buns when I was a kid. Instructions said get a grown up to help up with the knife to cut the tops of the buns, but I couldn’t find one of them, so risked life and limb to do it myself . Have more cake mix and a mixer now, so more baking to come, watch this space (you can’t wait can you) Spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying some of the cakes with coffee (and more wine) while catching up with Doctor who on DVD, never far from my the phone.

And there’s this game as well, dipped into that over the weekend. It’s in open beta now, well it seems to be, free download and I didn’t have to pay. It’s another MMORPG type thing called Sword of the New World. It was originally a Korean game called “Granado Espada” but it’s been translated and tweaked for the western market. Grpahics are lovely, the costumes are amazing, all in a fairly unique setting (Fantasy with no Orks for a change). Game play is innovative to, you actually use 3 characters at once.

Problem is it feels, well, a bit odd, abstract almost, it doesn’t seem to quite gel. The having 3 characters bit means it plays a bit more like an RTS than an RPG, I don’t feel “in character” . Now the costumes are lovely as you can see in the pic, but there’s no character customisation apart from those set costumes, so there’s very little variation between players. All in all it’s not a game I’m going to dedicate much time to. Still looking for the next MMORPG I can really get into.

I want my weekend back WHHAAAA! Stamps rather big tranny foot. Next weekend, next weekend I can get away, they can’t have me and there’s now no ice in my fridge to melt.

Friday, the weekend almost starts here, good weather for a change, so got the bike out, rode to the station, train, rode to work, since I usually walk those bits I cycled so got into work ludicrously early, which is cool, cause then I could leave ludicrously early So decided to ride the whole way home, 20 miles, mostly hills. I was doing this regularly last year, but with the weather and all, this was the first time I had done it in 2007. Took the longer but slightly less hilly route home, but it still hurt, took about an hour 50 to get home, just flopped into my arm chair and sank a cold one or three, dozed a bit then realised I had to get ready for Saturday.

Plan for Saturday was a day trip to Brighton, to go see the Pride parade. Actually my friend Alette had suggested we go together to this, but had subsequently bailed on me actually I had been a bit miffed at Alette for that, hadn’t seen her for weeks and we haven’t even been talking much, but we have a had a few chats now and I think we are good again. But the forecast was for sunshine and I wanted a day by the seaside, so just decided to go solo. Did the numbers, it takes me oh about this long to get ready, that long to get to Victoria, the train takes this long to get to Brighton, then there’s that long to get to the seafront and add in a bit for contingency, so if I want to get there for 10:30 to get a spot to watch the parade which starts at 11 I had to be get up at …. 5AM! sob Prepare as much as I could the night before, did my nails, ironing (that waist coat really doesn’t want to be ironed) sorted out clothes, packed bag etc and got an early night. But was excited, big day out, sort like Xmas when you are a kid, didn’t actually sleep much so ended up getting out of bed at 4:45am It was still dark. I was going to regret this later.

Dressed, wore the Top Shop Kate Moss collection waistcoat and denim shorts with a simple shirt and big boots. I was trying to sort of go for the look I saw on one of the merchandising posters of the Kate Moss range, a pic of Kate in a shirt, waist coat, little denim shorts, boots and undone bow tie. That poster looked magnificent, I didn’t, but well it’s something I just wanted to try (slightly different waistcoat though), I had this outfit with me at Sparkle but didn’t manage to wear it, so Pride might be my last chance for a while to do it in public. The shorts where, well, quite short, not exactly hot pants, but getting there and I was nervous about wearing them in day light, I thought they would be OK at Pride by the sea side, but wasn’t sure about London, they where a bit much, so packed some ordinary jeans in may bag just in case I lost my nerve. Wore thin “Sunkissed” tights too, wasn’t confident enough to go bare legged, even with some fake tan on (and packed spares tights as these ladder so easily). Shirt was a bit big, has to be to fit the shoulders as it doesn’t stretch, but doesn’t really flatter the waistline, try to pin it back with a hair grip (hidden behind the waistcoat) which worked OK for a bit, but then fell out, might have to take a needle and thread to it another day. Little worried about the sun to, it was going to be a hot and I have typical English skin that burns easily, so factor 30 on legs and arms, little unsure about the face, how would it react to the slap? I put the sun block on after moisturising and before foundation and that seemed to work. Did makeup light and it went on quite fast, in fact I was ready and packed by about 7:40! Earlier than planned, but it’s always good to be early rather than late in my book, so deep breath and head for Victoria.

Actually since it was so early the only people about where joggers and dog walkers, neither group really minds me, so get to the tube and then to Victoria with no hassle and confidence comes back, strutting across the rather busy station concourse was fun and caused a few stares.

Next train was 8:36, had 20 mins or so, get ticket and coffee. Since I was feeling a bit more confident, try to practice the advanced tranny/muggle interaction technique “Smile and make small talk” at bit at a coffee stand. It does disarm people, I’ve seen others do it really well, but it’s hard to pull off for some one who isn’t naturally gregarious like me, the 1000 yard stare ignoring everyone or head down and hide techniques I usually employ don’t require as much nerve and people skills. Don’t say much but it seems to be received OK. Need more practice.

Train was fairly full even for this time, but still managed a table to myself, no T* I could spot, but a significant number of guys who pinged the Gaydar (well what do you expect on Pride weekend). One of them comes up to me and says “Hello”, I say “Hello” nervously back, there’s an awkward pause and he says “You don’t know me” and goes. It was a bit odd, but he wasn’t nasty, I think he just wanted a closer look. Pass time with Harry Potter and touching up my slap (most of my lippy seemed to end up on my Starbucks cup), but it’s a fast train and by 9:30 we are in Brighton, Weeeee

I seem to keep taking pictures of railway stations, perhaps it because they usually signify the start or end of a journey and so sort of work as part of the story, but actually I rather like the old Victorian terminus steam punk look with their wrought ironwork and high arched roofs. OMG I’m a train station spotter.

Have plenty of time so wander down the lanes to the pier, shops are mostly still closed, but the morning air is nice and the people are cool (or that air is cool and the people are nice? Probably both). Stop for raspberry frozen yogurt at a little café/juice bar thingy, try the small talk thing with the staff by answering a question about railways stations (again!), they’re aussie and trains are a bit of a novelty to them. What is it about me and public transport?

Stop at MAC for replacements for stuff I’ve nearly used up (have to loop around the block once until they opened at 10 though) wander a bit more before finally getting to the pier. The crowd is starting to build and I can see the floats getting ready down Madeira drive, but it’s a while before it looks like it will start, so do a little promenading down the pier and take loads of pics. There’s a sky writer making hearts in the sky, the sea is blue and its all rather picture postcard, I even buy some rock, and I don’t really like rock.

Buy a sparkly fur trimmed cowboy hat that lights up, very tacky, not really my style (though I quite like the cowgirl look, and would rather like a proper Stetson :)) but for Gay Pride, just the job. Plus it keeps the sun off my face Wander up and down the road taking pics of the floats, trawling for freebies (get a whistle and a lollipop) and then find good spot to watch, the parade takes a while to start, and then it only sort of inches forwards slowly, so I’m there a rather long time. A number of the floats are impressive, obviously a lot of though and effort went into them, with costumes, sets, music and dancing. The “Musicals” theme appears to have gone down well.

One disappointment was the Trans element of the parade, there was only one group, apart from the numerous Drag queens, which er I really sort of see much more down the G end of GLBT than T anyway (I might be wrong). This group was from the Trans London support group, a handful of them matching under a banner. No float, no costumes, no dancing, no music, not even on theme, a bit sad really compared to the other efforts. They even seemed a bit hesitant to give me a flyer as they passed (did I look that odd?). But well I guess I don’t have the right to complain, I mean, what did I actually do to help? It’s as much my responsibility as it is anyone else’s I suppose. I turned up to watch that’s all Actually the number of T* that turned up to watch is very limited too, I could only spot a handful and the crowd must have been in the 1000’s I guess from our number, a lot are either full time TS that if they did attend wouldn’t be obvious or are highly closeted TVs, there dressing limited to the home or perhaps the occasional nightclub who wouldn’t come here dressed. The complicated inbetweeny state of harder to categorise T* (er like me sort of) who might be an event like this and visible seem to be much fewer in number. Perhaps this is why so many people react when they see a tranny walking down the street in broad daylight, it is actually a rare occurrence. So I guess we will always be little t at a public event like this until more people come out, but they won’t come out until they are more accepted, but if we where seen at events like this perhaps it would raise acceptance? chicken-egg

It did take quite a while for the parade to pass and by then my feet where starting to protest a bit, had been on my heels for a few hours now. It was just past lunch time now so I got fish and chips and ate them on the pier (always do this when I go to Brighton) . The main pride event was happening in Preston Park, in the north of the city, there was a shuttle bus laid on to it, but I figured it would take a while for the parade to get there, so how to pass the time? Well Brighton has a shopping centre doesn’t it wandered up through the lanes, past the pavilion to the centre and looked around. A trip to Primark mid week had for filled my shopping needs for the moment, so it was only just a browsing trip really. The shops seemed to be finishing there summer sales and where starting to stock Autumn/Winter ranges, which is a bit silly considering it was the hottest day of the year and the first proper summer day we have had.

Back to the bus with a Crunchie milkshake, feet where not happy now and Brighton has way to many hills. The bus trip up to the park was quite jolly, the bus was packed and a bit of a sing song developed on the top deck, Lesbians in the front, Gay guys at the back, often singing different songs I was sort of sat in the middle keeping quite. Sun was blazing now and the top of the bus was a bit of greenhouse and unfortunately I had a seat on the sunny side :(. The road up to the park was rammed with people, often just walking in the road, so the bus slowed to a crawl, it started to get a little less jolly as everyone got a bit hot and bothered and it was quite a relief to finally get there.

Wow, lots and lots of people, of every variety, and as well as there various support groups there’s retails stalls, bars, club and entertainment tents, food stalls and even a small fun fair Also at the entrance to the park there is also a small group of anti gay religious protesters with signs with biblical quotes on them! They where cordoned off and have a police escort, as I suppose they have the right to protest, but protesting against what, Love? Most people ignored them, some jeer and others gave the finger.

Going was a little soft underfoot, did it rain recently? But it’s easier on the feet. There’s a big club tent with quite a party going on but I’m feeling to tired to dance and am not sure how stable I would be on heels on the soft ground.

Curious and slightly annoying is the amount people just sat around in groups in awkward places. They seem to be just sort of hanging out and drinking, but why come here to do that? Couldn’t they do that anywhere? This and the crush of people (and my silly boots) makes it moving around a bit difficult

Move on to the “Woman’s Entertainment” tent (definitely in the L section here) with a three girl rock band playing and stop to watch for a few numbers. They where pretty good, I liked them, lots of energy, very loud and have the usual addition of someone signing the lyrics to the songs as well as a regular singer. This puzzles me for a bit but then realise with the sheer volume produced their speaker stacks in this little tent, you could feel the music through your whole body not just listen to it your ears so, with the addition of the signing, deaf people in the audience could enjoy it all it well. Get handed a leaflet for Brighton Woman’s centre on the way out of the tent, which was, well, a little unexpected

Wander around the stalls of the various support groups, was looking for the Trans one, I read there was going to be one, but couldn’t find it. Looking at this thread on Roses, it appears I wasn’t the only one with this problem found out later it was in a different area of the park. Carried on through the retail stalls, but there isn’t really anything for me.

Had had enough by now, what with the crowds, heat and tiredness, retired from the park and went to sit on a wall under a tree opposite, ouch, feet protest when I hit the pavement. Touch up makeup (blotting the shine) and fit some gel heal pads in my boots I had with me. Those help a little bit. As I’m doing this I overhear a guy sitting on the same wall further up moaning to his friend about the number of non GBLT people there, particularly families and, strangely, Goths (actually I’ve found Goths can be a bit gender ambiguous) . I didn’t speak up, but I don’t think this was a problem really, tolerance has to go both ways and if people integrate they can learn to get along. There where certainly a lot of people who didn’t fit the obvious GBLT profile there though, I guess just for a day out, but as in the parade, the T* where very few in number in the park, I think I saw more skateboarders than trannies

Sitting on the wall, I tried to take a picture of myself using the camera timer (came out awful and was deleted), a lad (pretty sure he was straight) walking by offered to help, but I declined. As he walked off, his mate said to him, “That was a bloke you know” and he replied “No it wasn’t” and I thought to myself, you are both right

Get back to the shuttle buses wanted one for the station but they only go back to the Old Stein near the pier but on the way back they take a different route avoid the crowds and its much faster and so we don’t overheat. Have to walk back to the station though, need to go home, I’m wilting, the people, sun and heels have taken their toll. Head up through the North Lanes and its now a bit of a struggle and I guess I’m starting to look very male now, as I get a few comments to that affect, why are the sort of troglodytes that shout out stuff like this doing in Brighton on Pride weekend? As I walk on, I keep hearing someone saying “Excuse me Excuse me” not sure if they are talking to me, so keeping walking, not looking around, but it continues and a man catches up to me. What happened next was a bit strange, he offers me a couple of small flowers from a bunch he his holding. What I should of done is accepted them and said thank you, as, on reflection, I think he was just being nice (but might have been a nutter or wanted to talk to me about God or something), but I was just a weirded out by it (and after what I have seen today that wouldn’t of been easy) and just shake my head and walk off. He doesn’t press home his gift.

Made it to the station, have to wait a bit for the next train, so enjoy a long very cold drink in the bar before boarding. Find empty table on train, but it’s a popular train and the other 3 seats are filled up by a group of women, they politely ignore me. I read a little, but doze more on the way home. Get to Croydon, nearly home and think, “I don’t want to walk through my neighbourhood in these shorts”, there will be lots of people around, and they might have had a few drinks by now, so a quick change to less the attention seeking jeans is performed in the loo before we roll into Victoria. A Quick stop in M&S to get stuff for tea, tube, walk through the park (no one gives a 2nd glance) and home. Boots off and relief ;), but find walking on stocking feet feels weird (been in heals for 11 hours), then once again I flopped into my arm chair, sank a cold one or three, eat and snooze wake later, but only to remove makeup and clothes and go back to boy and my bed.

Exhausting day, mixed feelings about the event, but quite an experience never the less. No sunburn surprising, hat, slap and factor 30 worked, but feet and legs are in a bit of a state (still stiff on Monday) .

Had planned to do washing and perhaps visit a free festival on Sunday, but don’t have the energy, lie in, chat online, mess with photos, read a bit, drink beer, go see Transformers (Fun popcorn film with great CG work) and generally have a lazy sunny Sunday. After Friday and Saturday I needed it.